3 Lessons in 3 Weeks

As I approach my month mark here in the Holy Land, I feel humbled by the eye-opening experiences I've had and the lessons I've been tenderly taught by providence. I have been shown the power of true leadership, the value of patience, and the power of motherhood, just to name a few. 

Last week, those of us working for the Ministry of Social Development met with the Secretary General and other directors of different programs we'd be working at. As our names and corresponding directors' were read, there was a sudden outburst from one of the men. Arabic began to be thrown loudly from one end of the table to the other and I sat stunned as the Secretary General and this ministry employee conversed in a language I haven't even begun to get a grasp of. After what felt like a small eternity, the SG turned to us and apologized. He explained that the director was frustrated because the intern he had been assigned didn't speak Arabic & he didn't understand what he was supposed to do with that. Basically, the SG shut him down in the most respectful way. He told us that he explained to this man that they, as employees of the ministry had the opportunity to learn from us, the interns. He spoke about having diplomas and doctorates and certificates, but the fact that none of the directors ever practice their English. He emphasized that this was the time to do that.
After that, the meeting continued and concluded with no incident. The Secretary General's actions however, impressed me long after we left. 

My idea of leadership has been changed in the greatest way. Leadership is not holding your accomplishments over someone's head as leverage. A true leader sees every interaction as an opportunity to learn, regardless of with whom he's interacting with. Anyone can belittle those who seem to know less, but it takes a special sort of power to be able to lower yourself to the level of those that may not have accomplished as much as you, yet. 

Jordan has helped me to see the parts of my character that are weak & ways to improve them. I am not a patient person. I like things to get done the moment they need to be done and I don't like to waste time. The Middle East values relationships more than time, which I'm beginning to understand. My first day working at Waqe3, we walked in around ten minutes to ten. I could feel my anxiety rising as we walked in; surely we'd get in trouble for being late. We were greeted with smiles and after introductions, we were asked to sit. We were brought tea and we conversed for another hour before we even headed back to our work space. I'm learning that 5 minutes sometimes means an hour, or maybe tomorrow, and that's okay. In the United States we've glorified being punctual, even early, regardless of whom we may need to step on to ensure we arrive on time. My rush and haste have no place here in Amman, and I'm grateful for the peace this change has brought to my soul. 

The original game plan was to work at an orphanage. As most of us know, however, man plans & God laughs. I didn't end up having a strong enough spirit to work at the orphanage. For a few days this left me feeling ashamed and depressed. I felt so inadequate & my heart broke that I had let everyone who expected great things from me, down. But I decided to see what I had learned from my experience, rather than allowing it to deprecate my self worth. When I was at the orphanage I realized more than ever the importance of motherhood. I reflected on my own relationship with my angel mother. We didn't have a perfect relationship, I don't think anyone does, but the beautiful reality is, she was there. She kicked me out, she yelled at me, and we fought. But she was there to kick me out, there to yell at me, and there to fight with me and I am so infinitely grateful to her for that. 

Mothers have the most important and powerful job in the world. Their work has been reduced to an almost shameful position, unfortunately. This has been the work of him that opposes good and light. The adversary understands the influence of mothers, and has as a result, attempted to diminish it to a laughable status. We cannot allow this cycle to continue. Mothers teach boys how to respect women. Mothers teach girls how to value their womanhood. Each of us can, and should, respect and honor the title of 'mother', as well as the angel women who possess it. Everyone can honor motherhood. Single women can by honoring the divine potential they have. Single men can, by reminding those women of their divinity when the world tries to get them to forget. Fathers, loving and respecting your wives is the greatest gift you can give your children. Children, take the time to see how truly fortunate you are to have a mother, not everyone does. 

Lead humbly, be patient, and love your mother. 

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone

In my first week in Amman, I’ve reflected on a reoccurring thought: anything is possible with The Lord. The first revelation confirming this fact came as my group sat at a Yemenis restaurant one of the first nights we had all arrived.

“Guys, we’re in the Middle East.”

Various responses of ‘yeah’ and ‘whoops’ rang out in response. But, I don’t think they understood what I was trying to say. I continued, “Guys, we are in the Middle East. Like, what can’t we do?”

Traveling across the world is not something trite for me. It wasn’t something I decided a couple weeks ago. It was a long process that started in November of last year and included a lot of paperwork, luck, persistence, and kind people. For someone like me, living abroad was something I could only daydream about.

God made it a reality.

I struggle with occasional bouts of depression and during my last episode; my mom gave me some wonderful advice, which was re-suggested by Elder Uchtdorf a few weeks later during April General Conference. She told me to be grateful, and record what I was grateful for in my journal. I’ve started something I call “My 3 Gratitude’s” where every night, I write down the 3 things I was most grateful for that day.

This exercise is truly inspired. Sometimes, you have to take the time to praise God, and make an actual note of what He’s done for you. If you’re not careful, you may overlook it. I didn’t think I’d survive exchanging various currencies. But God put 2 kind men in my path at the Frankfurt airport who took the time to explain the process to me, as well as help me attach my adapter to my phone charger so I could get ahold of my parents and let them know I was alive.

When I first arrived in Jordan, my recently diagnosed anxiety was through the roof. I had no idea how I would be able to get from one place to another in a taxi when the little Arabic I had learned over the past 4 months seemed to evaporate into thin air. I felt misplaced and unsure of myself. I decided to go to the grocery store with a couple of people from my group and while I was browsing the pasta, a man approached me. We are told to not be overtly friendly with the men here, as it is against social norm for men and women to be too social in public. But the man looked at me with the biggest smile and said, “Where are you from?!” I hesitated for a moment, but felt the Spirit assure me that it was okay. I responded I was from the United States and the man practically started shedding tears of joy. He immediately started conversing with me in English about how much he loved the U.S. and naming off all the cities he’s gone to. He then started listing all the things I had to do while I was in Jordan. I can’t explain how I felt speaking to this man, other than my heart melted. I felt love emanating from him and I felt the similarity between him and my father’s social habits. Speaking to him reminded me of home, in the sweetest way. When we finished conversing I said, “tasharafna!” which roughly translates to ‘nice meeting you’ and he looked me in the eyes, pointed to himself and said,

“Me more. Me more.”

In that moment, during that time, I needed that interaction more than anything. God knew it, and He provided it.

This morning we headed to Dabouq for a bike ride. Now, I know I’m not an athlete, and rumor had it this bike ride was about 15 miles long and included a lot of big, uphill roads. I thought about this a lot. This didn’t sound like something that I would enjoy. When talking to my parents last night they encouraged me to do it. As I arose this morning I wondered what on earth I was getting myself into. As weird as it sounds, I felt calm because I prayed about it. I prayed to God to give me the strength to take part in this physical feat. A little voice in my head reminded me that if I kept eating multiple bags of chips and cookies every week, it didn’t matter how hard I prayed; but I maintained my conviction that anything was possible with God.

I wish I could illustrate how difficult the bike ride was for me. Before we started the woman in charge stated that it was the “intermediate/advanced” ride and I felt myself die a little inside. There was a bus that stayed behind the end of the line in case anyone couldn’t do it, to pick them up and let them ride the rest of the way. The path was long. It was so, so, so, excruciatingly long. It seemed every time I rode down a large hill, there were 2 larger uphill treks awaiting me. There were so many times that I wanted to get on that cursed bus that stayed annoyingly close behind me, but I refused.

As I continued I saw to the right of me, a body of water and another section of land that I came to find out were the Dead Sea and Palestine/Israel. That alone made the body trembling experience worth it, for me. Seeing with my eyes the land of God. When I finally completed the bike ride, there was a mountain, Machaerus, that my group decided to go check out. Of course, after an intensive, multiple-hour long bike ride, the first thing everyone decided to do was hike a mountain. But as I approached the bottom, a sign read the description of the location, which was believed to be where John the Baptist was beheaded. It has been truly unreal to be in the land where so many of the things we read about in the scriptures occurred.

I’ve fallen in love with this country. It is so rich in history and so beautiful, in millions of ways. As I sat on the bus heading home I marveled at His power. I couldn’t help but smile as I looked out the window to the humble countryside. Nothing is impossible for Him.

He can help me battle 18.2 (!!!) miles of uphill roads.

He can bring the everlasting gospel to the Middle East.

I know without Him I am nothing & with him I can do anything. 

Matthew 18:2

This morning was a STRUGGLE to get out of bed. Okay, every morning is a struggle to get out of bed...but I did, and managed to arrive at work only 3 minutes after 7.

The morning dragged on forever. I was running around most of the time, but I love the office I work at, so it's really not so bad.

After work, I ran home and a couple friends of mine picked me to go volunteer at a local elementary. This will make literally no sense, but any social situation (any situation, really) that is new to me makes me super uncomfortable. So, as I walked the halls of the elementary school reeking with nostalgia, I could feel my stomach getting more and more nauseated. We walked into the classroom & I quickly looked for all the possible exits, just in case. I stood there sort of dumfounded as a table of 5 year-olds stared at me. Suddenly, an adorable long-haired boy got up, stretched his arms out, and walked over to me; reaching for a hug. I responded with an "oh!" and laughed as I knelt down to meet him.

Then, he turned around and sat back down. 

Literally, kids are the best. Who just welcomes someone they don't know like that? He didn't know anything about me.

If we all treated people we were unsure of the same way this boy treated me, can you imagine how happy the world could be? He will never know what his innocent kindness meant to me, or the impact it had on my day * ultimately, paradigm. But if we can extract wisdom from experiences like this, maybe we can perpetuate that same joy for other people; willingly.

Shouldn't we?

Wouldn't He?

I completely understand Christ's counsel now to "become as little children."

Necessary Change

I love my little brother. Despite our 14 year difference, Ian and I are undoubtedly the closest of my siblings. I love being around him; I love the way his eyes light up when he sees me. I love the way he grabs my hand when we're driving. I love the love I feel between us. 

I'm not his mother, and as much as I love him, I'm told a mother's love is unmatched. Even so, the thought of being separated from him shakes me to the core and fills me with a hollow sadness. 

I can't imagine how it feels to be apart from your child. 

Someone I know and love very much is an "illegal immigrant" and although she's lived here for years & has had some children here, her oldest is still in her homeland. She couldn't bring him when she came north. 

What's the moral thing to do? I asked my dad what the penalty of "smuggling" an "illegal immigrant" was, and he told me for him, a resident, it's prison for 30 years. I asked for myself, a citizen; he replied, "it's not worth the risk." But I couldn't get it out of my mind. Isn't it?

My dad said they could bring their son over legally, but it was very expensive. "How expensive?" He shook his head and replied, "it's impossible."

I don't know how I'm supposed to go about my day knowing someone lives with a pain like that, haunting everything they do. 

 

Situations like this motivate me further to fulfill my dream of changing the immigration policies in the United States. These stories propel me to exceed in school and excel in law school so I can make a difference. People always ask me how I think I'm going to change the laws, or what my goal is. I finally identified it, "to unite families, foreign and domestic."

My religion's core is based on families, and although I know the scriptures say to obey the law of the land, isn't family the most important thing we acquire in this life? 

My heart is broken, but my drive is ignited. 

Trust

Every time I get an epiphany, I realize how brilliant the title of my blog is.

As I fought to study for another few hours today, my mind was like, "hell nah, I'm exhausted, gurl."
Which I can respect, I've been up and at it since 7 am, which is unnatural.

So this latest enlightenment came as a result of an experience. I'd like to believe that I'm this super cold, cool, heartless girl that remembers nothing and cares about no one. But desafortunadamente (real word in Spanish that means "unfortunately"), that is not the case. I actually love my dog, Sweetie a whole lot. I also am unusually close to my little brother Ian. My neighbor is one of my best friends, and I have a pretty solid group of people who make me laugh. That being said, I recently found out that I am more guarded than I thought.

It's very easy to be friends with someone, or "close" to someone, without having any real substantial relationship. As I learned from my first roommate in college, you can think you know someone, but realize you don't. It is possible for a lengthy friendship to never go past the superficial level. Now, this isn't the case with my friends, most of them I'm fairly close to emotionally, and they know a lot about my feelings and what not. But I have come across the reality that I cannot be intimate with people, because I do not trust people.

Namely, men. Since I am referring to "intimacy" in the physical sense, and am heterosexual.

From previous blogposts, I reveal that I've flirted with the concept of love; played with the idea of having a romantic interaction with different people. But each time I've walked away brokenhearted, and less enthusiastic to pursue something else. Since starting school last month, my social interactions have decreased dramatically, with anyone; including the opposite sex. And even before I started school, I hadn't had any sort of "thing" with anyone for a few months.

Of course, we all know Life does whatever she wants (I feel like Life can be characterized as a girl, since she's pretty spontaneous), and last weekend was no exception to her indecision, for I found myself staring at my ceiling as a boy's lips pressed against mine.

I couldn't explain to him why I was so non-responsive. I wanted to be a co-participator, and enjoy this brief interaction, but I literally could not. As he continued to try to evoke some sort of response from me (through words, questions, nudging) I came to a conclusive possibility. After asking me to share this theory with him a few times, I agreed. "I think it's because I'm so jealous." I had felt feelings for this boy previously, but chose to shut them out when I learned he had begun a friendship with one of my best friends. "I think that might be the problem," I continued, "I know you talk to her, and if there's another girl in any given scenario, I don't compete, I just stop." We mused over the possibility of this being the hindrance, and after a while dropped the subject. He went home, and I went to the local reservoir to sunburn.

Days later, however, I am finally realizing that my jealousy may not be the only problem. Kissing requires a vulnerability. You let go of your fears and reservations and offer a small part of yourself to a stranger. More often than not, it's accepted and you make out for hours and it's all good and dandy. But both parties need to be willing to drop their shields. And that, my friends, is something I wasn't willing to do. I wasn't able to kiss this boy because I do not trust him. It's not him, specifically that is the problem (he's actually very attractive, and funny, and humane), it's men in general. As is recommended, I learned from my problems; but I also didn't forget how badly I had been hurt. And every rude word, gesture, look, and text assisted in the walls I built around my heart.

 Initially, I thought this meant I will never kiss another person again, and I began to accept my future of celibacy and reading books every night for the rest of my life. But soon realized that's not the case. The fact that I'm closed off doesn't mean I don't deserve to be loved. It does mean it will take more time. Unfortunately (or fortunately, however you want to look at it), this means I won't be able to have random hook-ups with strangers. The person I begin a relationship with in the future will have to be patient, understanding, and willing to deal with the mess that was left by those before him.

WHO KNEW KISSING WAS SO COMPLICATED.

You is kind, you is smart, you is important.

I have felt the love God has for me many times in my life, especially when I am feeling the most lost and desolate.




I began school 2 weeks ago today, after a year break. 5 credits at BYU during Spring Semester are equivocal to taking 10 credits, due to the shortened time (7 weeks). One of the classes I am taking is D&C, the first half. I wait-listed for a professor who had extremely high marks on ratemyprofessor.com, prayed I'd get in, & did; though the odds weren't in my favor.


In order to make this blog post coherent, I need to include a fact about my personal life. I don't date. Ever. I've never had a boyfriend, & I've never been in anything even vaguely resembling a relationship. In high school, I thought dating was idiotic; what was the point? You'll never see them after graduation, right?

Once I began college, it seemed a bit more realistic, but not by much. I wasn't attracted to anyone in my classes, and dating someone from my Single's Ward was the stupidest thing imaginable (to me), how awkward would it be after the break up?

As my graduating class began to wed, however, I was often asked, "why aren't you dating anyone?" by my parents, friends, random strangers, etc. I never knew how to answer. Sometimes, I felt like I disappointed my parents; not dating someone. I'd say, "it's not my fault." But sometimes, I'd wonder.




A few months ago, a male friend of mine said to me,


"You're too smart and witty. I'm not saying to dumb it down. Just slow it down. It's super intimidating."


I have never, in my 21 years on this planet, been more offended. I remember getting chills and struggling to sleep that night. I was so hurt. My education was the most important thing to me, & I loved that I was witty. It was literally my favorite part of me, and now someone who I thought was a friend, was telling me it was a hinderance. I didn't know what to do.


Back to that D&C class I had today, & how God showed me, yet again, how much he loves me. As the class was winding down, the professor made a statement. He spoke of a time when some girls who had attended BYU asked their professor why he thought they were unmarried. He said, "some young men are too intimidated by women who are further in their education than they are, and would rather date incoming freshmen." My professor said this when there was literally 2 minutes left of class. As he said it, I froze; I could feel that this was a statement to me, from God. He is everlasting. He is endless. He is the beginning and the end, & he still took the time to let me know, He is aware of me.


I am smart. And yes, I am witty as hell. I have a broad vocabulary; I love to read. I value my education, and I will not apologize for that. I will not change myself to seem more attractive to someone. I am me, and I love it. & I know God does too.

There is Beauty All Around

 I have depressive tendencies and I can easily be triggered into a low emotional state. This past week, in addition to Mother Nature graciously alerting me that, no, I am not with child, a few triggers left me feeling depleted both emotionally and physically. My relationship with my mother had reached an all time low and I was tired of walking on eggshells in my own house. I'm very sensitive & love my friends a whole lot, so if I don't hear from people I hold dear, I can get very upset and introverted. By Saturday night, I was in a dark place and spent the next 47.30 hours (30 minutes for Sacrament on Sunday) in bed feeling sorry for myself. 

Around 8 o'clock, one of my friends whom I hadn't heard from in a while texted me asking if I wanted to go to a show. Now, I know some people would argue that a house show isn't appropriate Sabbath activity, but I had literally been in bed for 47.30 HOURS & I was more than anxious to get out of the house. I agreed, and some time later we found ourselves in a little house in downtown Provo surrounded by bearded, Pabst-drinking, beanie-wearing gentlemen; none of whom we knew. We cautiously chose a place on the carpet to sit & waited for the music to start. The first two groups were a few guys playing a guitar, bass, and at one point the drums. As I sat there listening, I felt like I could see these people the way God saw them. They were doing what they enjoyed; they were given and had honed a talent that was theirs alone, & chose to share it. I felt so much love for these boys, I had to consciously force myself to stop smiling and gazing at them doe-eyed, lest they should think I had ulterior motives. The last band was a group from out of state. As six, seemingly random people walked up to perform, I heard myself mutter, "Is this some sort of Arcade Fire thing?" Guys. I was blown away. The moment they began playing, the room was filled with a sort of magic. It was unlike any performance I had ever attended & I found myself getting chills. The minute they opened their harmonious mouths, the world stopped. I couldn't help but have the occurring thought, "there is beauty all around". I never would have thought I'd find it in the living room of a beer-filled, expletive-laced house. But, I did. 

This morning I awoke feeling similarly down, because of course, we humans need to be hit on the head repeatedly to understand a concept. My friend Andrea texted me & after learning I didn't have to go into work today (!), we decided to have an adventure. 100% spontaneity led us to the decision to go to the Bonneville Salt Flats. Have I ever been there? No. Andrea moved here from San Diego like 5 minutes ago. Did we have any idea what we were doing? No. But, we went for it. The drive was approximately 2.5 hours from Provo, which to be honest SOUNDS reasonable, but when you put two girls in the same car with similar patience thresholds, 45 minutes is an eternity. About halfway, we wondered what we were doing. Was this even worth it? There was no sign of our destination; no horizon to look forward to. We felt like we were just wasting gas & time. For some reason (thankfully), we continued. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING; the scenery on the way to Wendover is stunning. There is water on either sides of the highway & the clouds plus the expansive plains leave you breathless. The more we drove, the more beautiful it became. There were parts that were boring; nothing too exciting, but just moments later, we would be stunned again by the beauty of God's awesome nature. After a lifetime & a half, we finally arrived at a rest stop that was our destination. At first, it seemed like nothing; more white land, we had already seen miles of that. But as we got closer, we realized it was a shore of crystal clear water. The shallow water went on forever, it seemed & the white salt glistened like diamonds. The mountains in the background were a purple-blue, and we were in the most beautiful place in the world. I cannot describe how beautiful it was; the dozens of pictures I took don't do it justice. Everything was perfect. The sun was shining, there was a slight breeze & the entire universe was in perfect harmony. We decided to wade in, and as we took our first steps; it hurt. It felt like nails driving into our feet; the salt grains were enormous & grouped together like coral, but the further we went, the less it hurt and the more beautiful our surroundings became. We met a girl from Greece who was there with her boyfriend from England; they were stopping by on their way to Moab. WHAT, I know. She was so beautiful & so happy, I felt so blessed to have met her. We were the only 4 people in that moment to experience this perfect paradise. As we lavished in the splendor of God's creation; the thought came again, "there is beauty all around". Even as I reflect on today's events; my heart is still overwhelmingly full; running over, with love. The journey to the Salt Flats was a personal metaphor for life; for me. It's long, it's so excruciatingly long. & it's hard; there's moments when it seems pointless. But when you continue, God allows you to see some of what he has in store for you; just to motivate you to keep going, and when you finally reach your destination, you wonder how you could have ever doubted him. 

There is beauty all around us, we just have to look for it.