You is kind, you is smart, you is important.

I have felt the love God has for me many times in my life, especially when I am feeling the most lost and desolate.




I began school 2 weeks ago today, after a year break. 5 credits at BYU during Spring Semester are equivocal to taking 10 credits, due to the shortened time (7 weeks). One of the classes I am taking is D&C, the first half. I wait-listed for a professor who had extremely high marks on ratemyprofessor.com, prayed I'd get in, & did; though the odds weren't in my favor.


In order to make this blog post coherent, I need to include a fact about my personal life. I don't date. Ever. I've never had a boyfriend, & I've never been in anything even vaguely resembling a relationship. In high school, I thought dating was idiotic; what was the point? You'll never see them after graduation, right?

Once I began college, it seemed a bit more realistic, but not by much. I wasn't attracted to anyone in my classes, and dating someone from my Single's Ward was the stupidest thing imaginable (to me), how awkward would it be after the break up?

As my graduating class began to wed, however, I was often asked, "why aren't you dating anyone?" by my parents, friends, random strangers, etc. I never knew how to answer. Sometimes, I felt like I disappointed my parents; not dating someone. I'd say, "it's not my fault." But sometimes, I'd wonder.




A few months ago, a male friend of mine said to me,


"You're too smart and witty. I'm not saying to dumb it down. Just slow it down. It's super intimidating."


I have never, in my 21 years on this planet, been more offended. I remember getting chills and struggling to sleep that night. I was so hurt. My education was the most important thing to me, & I loved that I was witty. It was literally my favorite part of me, and now someone who I thought was a friend, was telling me it was a hinderance. I didn't know what to do.


Back to that D&C class I had today, & how God showed me, yet again, how much he loves me. As the class was winding down, the professor made a statement. He spoke of a time when some girls who had attended BYU asked their professor why he thought they were unmarried. He said, "some young men are too intimidated by women who are further in their education than they are, and would rather date incoming freshmen." My professor said this when there was literally 2 minutes left of class. As he said it, I froze; I could feel that this was a statement to me, from God. He is everlasting. He is endless. He is the beginning and the end, & he still took the time to let me know, He is aware of me.


I am smart. And yes, I am witty as hell. I have a broad vocabulary; I love to read. I value my education, and I will not apologize for that. I will not change myself to seem more attractive to someone. I am me, and I love it. & I know God does too.

Him

This year has been pretty epic for me so far.
Fall of last year was pretty life changing for me and as always, retrospect is 20/20.
I met a boy in a whirlwind, spontaneous way & quickly became very close to him. I've always been someone who has been generally opposed to people marrying at 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 because to be honest, it's just so young. However, I remember the night we first spent time together, as he sat across the table from me, it hit me; the thought, "I finally understand why people marry young." We couldn't finish a conversation because we were interrupting each other with, "NO WAY"'s and "ME TOO"'s. It was unreal to meet someone I had so much in common with & that I could click with so instantaneously.

He opened up to me about really severe personal things, and I did as well. I felt like I could talk to him and I began to notice that whenever something went wrong in my life, he was the first person I wanted to talk to. After one particularly upsetting day, we talked on the phone for hours and he told me he felt prompted to tell me, "You're worthy of love. You deserve all the best."
I'd known this kid for like, 8 hours at this point. Needless to say, my heart melted. From the beginning, I was his. We began to spend more and more time together and if we didn't talk everyday, something felt off. Eventually, my naturally jealous personality could hardly stand his friendly demeanor with others & I wanted him to be exclusively mine. It was so obvious he felt the same, right? I mean, there was a chemistry. Right?

So why did he keep telling me about other girls he was dating.
Friends told me that was an old trick guys used to get the girls they like jealous, & I believed them.
I've got to tell him, I decided.

I did it via text; I hate confrontations. Long story short, he "loved spending time with me, but didn't sense anything romantic between us". At first, I was nauseated. I just sat in my shock & nausea wondering how I was ever going to breathe again. A few minutes later, I was relieved: at least now I knew & could stop thinking there was any potential. Later, I was humiliated. I had never been rejected, primarily because I had never gone out on a limb like that, I had never liked someone enough to.

He wanted to remain friends, in that sadistic way that most males do, but my heart was completely depleted. I quickly discovered, after a few failed attempts, that I couldn't be around him. Sharing the same space reminded me that he had refused my offer to be his, I wasn't good enough. He didn't like me. I had been rejected.

I tried to completely cut him off, but he would sporadically text me, as did I, random greetings, or questions about retail discounts (he worked/s in retail). After he texted me "Happy New Years, Jess!" I replied with, "I miss you." He responded he did too. This was great, I thought; maybe we can start our friendship over. A mutual friend told me he'd be playing at a local venue & we should go watch him perform. THIS WAS PERFECT, the second day of the year, I'd surprise him and we would all be friends and happy and wonderful. I showed up & sat with our shared friends; he hadn't arrived. When he finally walked in, my heart skipped a beat. As he approached our table, I smiled as I attempted to reach his gaze...it never happened. He greeted everyone around me as he completely ignored my existence. I sat in stunned silence. A few minutes later, he walked away and I overheard someone say, "Isn't that his girlfriend over there?" My heart, or what remained of it, evaporated.
A friend of ours leaned over and said, "Are you okay?" I played it off completely nonchalant. I had been hurt by him before, although not intentionally (it wasn't his fault he didn't like me), but his obvious dismissal that was apparent to everyone stirred a new emotion in me. I wasn't sad anymore, no, no. I was mad.

The next day I deleted his number and realized, 'You know what? I am awesome. I'm funny, I'm cool, people love me. If he doesn't want to be around me, there's plenty of other people who do.'

It's amazing what a paradigm shift can do for a girl. I used to want to be with him so bad, and now I don't want to be anyone's anything. Why bother? Have you seen how many good looking men there are in Provo, Utah? Why would I limit myself? I've been asked out more in the past month that I had been in the last 6 months of 2012.

I don't think about him hardly ever, and when I do; it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Last night I allowed myself to think about him for a while longer and I realized why the idea of love is no longer appealing to me; I loved him. He was 100% 'it' for me. I used to call him Checklist, in my mind because he was literally everything I'd ever wanted in someone. I was so sure. But, I was wrong. How could someone I was so invested in & willing to place all my bets on, let me down? I felt so right about it at the time, and now a mere 4 months later, I see him and wonder, "What the hell did I see in him?" Where's the guarantee that won't happen with the next person I'm "sure about". This is what causes divorce, right? It's just been elongated, then one day you wake up and think, "Hell. What did I get myself into?"

No thank-you, sir. I'd rather not.

The Crinkle of Paper

When I was younger my dad would come home from work long after I'd gone to bed. I would hazily hear the garage door opening and then closing and him walking in. My eyes would flutter open when I heard the unmistakable crinkle of paper alerting me that my dad had some fast food glory to share with me.
I would tip-toe down the stairs, always surprising myself at how silent I was, and as I turned the corner, he'd be there in the kitchen about to enjoy his meal. He never scolded me for crawling out of bed; I was always greeted with a smile. He'd share his food, always letting me have the last bite and I'd thank him with a kiss and head back to bed content in my stomach and heart.

It's nights like tonight, as I close the garage door behind me and unwrap my burger; when I hear the crinkle of paper, that make me miss my dad the most. I wish he was home, where he belongs. I wish we could talk about everything and nothing. I wish I could tell him about boys I liked and watch him roll his eyes and tell me they're all losers. I wish we could watch worthless TV till 3 in the morning like we used to. I hate that he's not here. I hate that thinking about him can make me cry. I hate that I couldn't change the situation. I hate that I hate my mother for making him leave. But worst of all, I hate that I miss someone who isn't gone.

NOT. ANOTHER.

If one more person gets engaged, so help me everything above this sky, I will... Youtube about it!
I am fairly certain a larger portion of the females in my graduating class are engaged.


There's 3, THREE, new ones on Facebook right now.






You know what? Maybe I should eliminate Facebook. Then at least my awareness will be confined to those few from high school I "run into" at the mall. That would be AWESOME. (SARCASM)