I'm a bad person.

I want to get asked on dates solely to get free food.

I am so hungry.

Havoc.

I saw my best friend Chelsea yesterday for the first time in a while, and apparently I've changed. This makes me sad. She said I look really sad. I told her, "Oh, it's probably because I'm not wearing make-up, also--I haven't eaten in a while." But alas, she said, "No. It's something in your eyes." Apparently, despite my efforts, everything that's been going on has really affected me. I feel really depressed that I wasn't able to hide it better. HOWEVER, I got an epiphany: maybe she only noticed the difference because I told her. Honestly, the only reason she knows what's going on, is because I told her, but honestly, it's nothing different than what I've been living through my whole life. It's weird for someone to see a sliver of what you've lived your whole life. Life. Weird. I sit on this bed in this room I'm renting most of the day. The TV wasn't working until 34 minutes ago, so I was going crazy. I was watching the Kardashian's, so naturally I felt prompted to practice my smoky eye make up. HOLLA.

New Beginning

I finally moved out of my parent's house.

I literally packed up my little golden treasure of a car & was out by 2:50 pm on Monday.

It feels so surreal, still.

I'm stoked to be paying my own bills, there's definitely something wrong with me.

It had to be done though, & I know that this is necessary to better myself.

For the longest time I've dreamed & fantasized about moving out, and I finally did it.

I also happen to have the best roommate in all the land.

I am so genuinely happy right now, for the first time in a long time.

Ephiphany Number: I Stopped Counting 15 Years Ago.

I just realized something about Provo guys.

A.) They are HAWT. Obvi not all of them, because that would be just...unnatural, but most of them. HOWEVER--

B.) They are seriously so stupid. Like, STUPID as in "not smart". They're educated, some are even intelligent, but they're stupid. They like you, their friends know they like you, their parents know they like you, but HEAVEN FORBID they ask you on a date (remember the days? me neither) so that you can have precious butterfly bonding time. That would be too...logical.

C.) AND WHEN THEY DO DATE, it's freaking ugly girls. Like seriously? I can't even be mad over who you chose over me because they're U-G-L-Y. I don't get it. FMCL.

I enjoy venting :)

I don't think I'll be so feisty when I'm off my menstrual cycle.

Epiphany # ?

I realized something a few weeks ago, but haven't gotten around to posting it until now:

No one will love me until I love myself.

The reason I hate compliments, the reason I can't stand when people stare at me, the reason I never believe when people tell me I'm so (something positive) is because I don't feel that way about myself! If you do not believe in..God, and someone is telling you all these great things about Him, it won't matter, because you don't believe in him. It doesn't apply to you.

THIS IS MY PROBLEM.

I need to learn to love myself. That way, when someone compliments me I can say, "Thanks."

& mean it. As in, "Thank you for noticing this true fact about me, I feel the same way."

Okay. So there's epiphany number _. Next epiphany:

There is nothing left for me here.

This wonderful city of Provo, Utah with all it's indie glory, has nothing to offer me.

Christofer Drew Ingle says it best:

"I plead for relief,

This town won't receive
All the things that I want.
The things that I need."

I can't catch a break, so I'm making my own.

There's no turning back this time, no running home to Daddy.

This time, it's real.

I fear my heart is freezing over..

I'm getting tired.

Really tired. Emotionally as well as physically.

I am sick of the same, insane, worthless actions.

Insanity: doing the same thing & expecting different results.

It's getting harder to stay optimistic.

"One person can only do so much".

PREACH.

If someone you've been placed with is someone you sincerely cannot be around, what would be the point of trying to find someone new to include in your life? If you can't love the person that God placed you with, how could you possibly love someone that you, yourself pick?

I'm losing it. And I'm starting to just go through the motions, rather than live.

(If there's a light at the end of the tunnel, is there a lighthouse at the end? Who controls it?

The only peaceful way to live is to die, 'cause who else will make it out alive? -Isaac Russell)

Trick.

tRicK'(n.) A broad term for describing women who are either teases, hoes, or one of the above pretending to be the other.

Either there's a Provo All-star male who ruins your perception of the whole species, or there's my new favorite term:

TRICK.

Ironically, the Provo All-stars do have a soft spot, a kryptonite if you will--they are the "tricks".

As defined above beautifully by Urban Dictionary, a trick is a hoe. Or a tease. In short, a trick is a female Provo-All star, although judging by their mention in various rap/hip-hop music videos/songs, I'm willing to bet they've extended beyond the boundaries of Provo. How great for them.

All the good girls get their hearts crushed by these All-stars, and all the good guys get played by these Tricks.

We should gather all the A★'s & T's (abbreviations are my vice) and stick them on some distant island where they can't communicate or interact with anyone but their douche-bag counterpart. I, for one, think that is a capital idea.