I fear my heart is freezing over..

I'm getting tired.

Really tired. Emotionally as well as physically.

I am sick of the same, insane, worthless actions.

Insanity: doing the same thing & expecting different results.

It's getting harder to stay optimistic.

"One person can only do so much".

PREACH.

If someone you've been placed with is someone you sincerely cannot be around, what would be the point of trying to find someone new to include in your life? If you can't love the person that God placed you with, how could you possibly love someone that you, yourself pick?

I'm losing it. And I'm starting to just go through the motions, rather than live.

(If there's a light at the end of the tunnel, is there a lighthouse at the end? Who controls it?

The only peaceful way to live is to die, 'cause who else will make it out alive? -Isaac Russell)

Trick.

tRicK'(n.) A broad term for describing women who are either teases, hoes, or one of the above pretending to be the other.

Either there's a Provo All-star male who ruins your perception of the whole species, or there's my new favorite term:

TRICK.

Ironically, the Provo All-stars do have a soft spot, a kryptonite if you will--they are the "tricks".

As defined above beautifully by Urban Dictionary, a trick is a hoe. Or a tease. In short, a trick is a female Provo-All star, although judging by their mention in various rap/hip-hop music videos/songs, I'm willing to bet they've extended beyond the boundaries of Provo. How great for them.

All the good girls get their hearts crushed by these All-stars, and all the good guys get played by these Tricks.

We should gather all the A★'s & T's (abbreviations are my vice) and stick them on some distant island where they can't communicate or interact with anyone but their douche-bag counterpart. I, for one, think that is a capital idea.

Dream II

I had another dream early this morning..it was horrible. 80% of the time in the dream, I'm sobbing. There's nothing harder than seeing someone you love degrade. Time is so valuable, but it can be so cruel. The worst part is, as you watch the deteriorating relationship, you can't blame anyone. It's not your fault, it's not theirs. You just have to deal with the mood swings and roll with the punches. Tough stuff.

Every once in a while, though, there's a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. There's two quotes that embody the light I've seen this week:

"I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves is unaided in the challenges that we face. "Nor will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall one man (or woman or child) upon the face thereof to be saved." On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in the dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal. Not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with--here, now, everyday. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind."

-Jeffery R. Holland

"At time some may think that no one cares--but someone always cares! Your Heavenly Father will not leave you to struggle alone, but stands ever ready to help."

-Thomas S. Monson

Sometimes life is hard, really hard. And despite traditional roles being filled around you, you still feel that you have no one. It's crucial to remember that The Man Upstairs loves you, and will not leave you. When this truth is remembered, the sun shines a little brighter, and hope is your best friend.

Dream..

I went to bed at 6 last night, so naturally my body woke me up 6 1/2 hours later. At 12:44 am.

Awesome.

I had a dream, and first I was sleeping over with my friend Chels, and then I woke up to go to the bathroom (in the dream) and there was a tanning bed in the bathroom, so I used it, and went back to bed. But when I woke up, (in the dream) I was with my ex-bff Emily (which made me miss her) and I went to go look in the mirror and I was SO TAN. And SO PRETTY. Like, I loved myself in my dream. I'm not saying appearances are related to self-love, but in my dream I was just amazed. Weird right?

At any rate, I can't sleep now, so I've been studying/watching Tyra on youtube.

I had amazing plans to travel somewhere this fall, but because of my financial situation and lack of support, I won't be able to attend.

I just hope & pray that I get this job I applied for, since it would be my dream job, and then I can save up & earn my own money. Depend on myself. That's how it's going to have to be. For a really long time. Possibly forever. Sweet.

Lull

Y'know what I'm sick of?

A lot of things.

I don't want to complain, so I won't.

But you know that feeling when you're like, "Ehhhh.."

Yeah. I know that feeling too.

I've been at my parent's for almost 2 consecutive weeks.

I'm getting too comfortable here, and I hate my roommate too much.

I need to man up (woman up) and just go home.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHH. <--that's me sighing.

Isn't communication so weird?

Like, texting. What the heck is up with that?

You're literally like..sending someone a piece of paper and it's magically appearing in their phone. It's so..weird and frail and..magical. Yet, if no one texts me, I feel pretty worthless.

That probably translates to some sort of self-esteem issues.

And language! I always catch myself in the middle of a conversation and I'm like, 'wow...what if I didn't know english? How would me and this person be communicating right now?'

Then I realize I've missed 45% of the conversation. But it's because, again, I WAS COMMUNICATING! With myself, that is. It's called "intrapersonal communication", and that's WHAT'S UP.

New Philosophy

So:

For many reason at the end of last year, I chose to adopt a new philosophy for 2011.

It was as follows; "use 'em, & lose 'em".

Of course, it was regarding the male species.

I just thought it would better to treat them all the way they treat us.

Right?...

WRONG.

Fortunately I have been extremely blessed with THE BEST of friends

(they're actually more like family).

Last night was my Soul Sister Othilie Hoem's birthday party

& of course we were all there..

After the masses started leaving, the rest of us began a discussion on..

Toes. Someone mentioned how we really only need our big toe, and that we really don't need the other 4 little guys and Othilie started having a heart attack because she doesn't like to discuss that, then of COURSE evolution came up, which NATURALLY led to a discussion on Religion..

The point of this post is to reveal my new philosophy.

And as I talked to Jessica R. I realized I was forgetting what I had learned,

and the guidance I had been given.

More important than what someone has done in the past, is what they're willing to do in the future.

Divine Potential.

I was blindly judging people for what they had done, when as once said at a general conference:

"You can't tell by looking at a frog how high he will jump" (Vietnamese proverb)

THUS: my new philosophy--

Everything happens for a reason & be kind to everyone.

There's a Man Upstairs who knows what I need better than I do; when I let him take the lead, I'll be okay. He'll do what's best for me even if I don't realize it.

So I just need to trust him & be nice to everyone, because you never know ;)

Missing the Point..

When I was younger, I made THE LIST in Young Women's.

Y'know, the list that contains everything I want/need in a husband.

At the very tippy tip top was always "RM".

Ahhhhh, yes; Returned Missionary, of course.

BUT WAIT--I've come to a realization.

Going on a mission doesn't mean what it used to.

Giving up 2 years of their lives to go forth and serve

doesn't promise a type of young man when the time's up.

I have seen, in my recent days/months/years,

that simply going on a mission doesn't qualify someone as a good person.

Or even a religious, ethical, high-standards-seeking person!

And this observation has caused a passionate opinion to form..

Don't do it.

Don't go through the temple; don't serve a mission.

Honestly, if you're going to defile the sacred clothing & come home excited to be "of the world" instead of simply "in the world"...DON'T GO.

I have lost so much respect for so many "RM"s who act worst than people that didn't go on a mission! Seriously? What did you do for those 2 years?

And if you truly were invested in the work & service...did you forget it so quickly?

I feel like a lot of pre/post missionaries are missing the point;

A mission isn't "I'm going to be really good for 2 years, then party when I come home."

Its, "I'm going to go on a mission to prepare to come home a better and changed person."

The mission is only the BEGINNING of a monumental change in person, character, actions, etc.

Don't get me wrong, I want there to be missionaries. There's nothing I love more (that's sort of an exaggeration; there's plenty of things I love more: food, air, water, Jersey Shore) than seeing missionaries walking together on a sidewalk in Provo, Utah.

But if you're going to come home, and not live your life worthy to bear the garments you continue to wear, (because let's be honest, that's what all the girls will be hoping are peeking out of your sleeves/neck) DON'T DO IT.

You're not just defying the sacred apparel, you're defying the church.

It's sad; they're missing the point.

And frankly, I fear the good, worthy, list-approved man is becoming extinct.