New Beginning

I finally moved out of my parent's house.

I literally packed up my little golden treasure of a car & was out by 2:50 pm on Monday.

It feels so surreal, still.

I'm stoked to be paying my own bills, there's definitely something wrong with me.

It had to be done though, & I know that this is necessary to better myself.

For the longest time I've dreamed & fantasized about moving out, and I finally did it.

I also happen to have the best roommate in all the land.

I am so genuinely happy right now, for the first time in a long time.

Ephiphany Number: I Stopped Counting 15 Years Ago.

I just realized something about Provo guys.

A.) They are HAWT. Obvi not all of them, because that would be just...unnatural, but most of them. HOWEVER--

B.) They are seriously so stupid. Like, STUPID as in "not smart". They're educated, some are even intelligent, but they're stupid. They like you, their friends know they like you, their parents know they like you, but HEAVEN FORBID they ask you on a date (remember the days? me neither) so that you can have precious butterfly bonding time. That would be too...logical.

C.) AND WHEN THEY DO DATE, it's freaking ugly girls. Like seriously? I can't even be mad over who you chose over me because they're U-G-L-Y. I don't get it. FMCL.

I enjoy venting :)

I don't think I'll be so feisty when I'm off my menstrual cycle.

Epiphany # ?

I realized something a few weeks ago, but haven't gotten around to posting it until now:

No one will love me until I love myself.

The reason I hate compliments, the reason I can't stand when people stare at me, the reason I never believe when people tell me I'm so (something positive) is because I don't feel that way about myself! If you do not believe in..God, and someone is telling you all these great things about Him, it won't matter, because you don't believe in him. It doesn't apply to you.

THIS IS MY PROBLEM.

I need to learn to love myself. That way, when someone compliments me I can say, "Thanks."

& mean it. As in, "Thank you for noticing this true fact about me, I feel the same way."

Okay. So there's epiphany number _. Next epiphany:

There is nothing left for me here.

This wonderful city of Provo, Utah with all it's indie glory, has nothing to offer me.

Christofer Drew Ingle says it best:

"I plead for relief,

This town won't receive
All the things that I want.
The things that I need."

I can't catch a break, so I'm making my own.

There's no turning back this time, no running home to Daddy.

This time, it's real.

I fear my heart is freezing over..

I'm getting tired.

Really tired. Emotionally as well as physically.

I am sick of the same, insane, worthless actions.

Insanity: doing the same thing & expecting different results.

It's getting harder to stay optimistic.

"One person can only do so much".

PREACH.

If someone you've been placed with is someone you sincerely cannot be around, what would be the point of trying to find someone new to include in your life? If you can't love the person that God placed you with, how could you possibly love someone that you, yourself pick?

I'm losing it. And I'm starting to just go through the motions, rather than live.

(If there's a light at the end of the tunnel, is there a lighthouse at the end? Who controls it?

The only peaceful way to live is to die, 'cause who else will make it out alive? -Isaac Russell)

Trick.

tRicK'(n.) A broad term for describing women who are either teases, hoes, or one of the above pretending to be the other.

Either there's a Provo All-star male who ruins your perception of the whole species, or there's my new favorite term:

TRICK.

Ironically, the Provo All-stars do have a soft spot, a kryptonite if you will--they are the "tricks".

As defined above beautifully by Urban Dictionary, a trick is a hoe. Or a tease. In short, a trick is a female Provo-All star, although judging by their mention in various rap/hip-hop music videos/songs, I'm willing to bet they've extended beyond the boundaries of Provo. How great for them.

All the good girls get their hearts crushed by these All-stars, and all the good guys get played by these Tricks.

We should gather all the A★'s & T's (abbreviations are my vice) and stick them on some distant island where they can't communicate or interact with anyone but their douche-bag counterpart. I, for one, think that is a capital idea.

Dream II

I had another dream early this morning..it was horrible. 80% of the time in the dream, I'm sobbing. There's nothing harder than seeing someone you love degrade. Time is so valuable, but it can be so cruel. The worst part is, as you watch the deteriorating relationship, you can't blame anyone. It's not your fault, it's not theirs. You just have to deal with the mood swings and roll with the punches. Tough stuff.

Every once in a while, though, there's a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. There's two quotes that embody the light I've seen this week:

"I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves is unaided in the challenges that we face. "Nor will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall one man (or woman or child) upon the face thereof to be saved." On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in the dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal. Not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with--here, now, everyday. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind."

-Jeffery R. Holland

"At time some may think that no one cares--but someone always cares! Your Heavenly Father will not leave you to struggle alone, but stands ever ready to help."

-Thomas S. Monson

Sometimes life is hard, really hard. And despite traditional roles being filled around you, you still feel that you have no one. It's crucial to remember that The Man Upstairs loves you, and will not leave you. When this truth is remembered, the sun shines a little brighter, and hope is your best friend.

Dream..

I went to bed at 6 last night, so naturally my body woke me up 6 1/2 hours later. At 12:44 am.

Awesome.

I had a dream, and first I was sleeping over with my friend Chels, and then I woke up to go to the bathroom (in the dream) and there was a tanning bed in the bathroom, so I used it, and went back to bed. But when I woke up, (in the dream) I was with my ex-bff Emily (which made me miss her) and I went to go look in the mirror and I was SO TAN. And SO PRETTY. Like, I loved myself in my dream. I'm not saying appearances are related to self-love, but in my dream I was just amazed. Weird right?

At any rate, I can't sleep now, so I've been studying/watching Tyra on youtube.

I had amazing plans to travel somewhere this fall, but because of my financial situation and lack of support, I won't be able to attend.

I just hope & pray that I get this job I applied for, since it would be my dream job, and then I can save up & earn my own money. Depend on myself. That's how it's going to have to be. For a really long time. Possibly forever. Sweet.