Him

This year has been pretty epic for me so far.
Fall of last year was pretty life changing for me and as always, retrospect is 20/20.
I met a boy in a whirlwind, spontaneous way & quickly became very close to him. I've always been someone who has been generally opposed to people marrying at 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 because to be honest, it's just so young. However, I remember the night we first spent time together, as he sat across the table from me, it hit me; the thought, "I finally understand why people marry young." We couldn't finish a conversation because we were interrupting each other with, "NO WAY"'s and "ME TOO"'s. It was unreal to meet someone I had so much in common with & that I could click with so instantaneously.

He opened up to me about really severe personal things, and I did as well. I felt like I could talk to him and I began to notice that whenever something went wrong in my life, he was the first person I wanted to talk to. After one particularly upsetting day, we talked on the phone for hours and he told me he felt prompted to tell me, "You're worthy of love. You deserve all the best."
I'd known this kid for like, 8 hours at this point. Needless to say, my heart melted. From the beginning, I was his. We began to spend more and more time together and if we didn't talk everyday, something felt off. Eventually, my naturally jealous personality could hardly stand his friendly demeanor with others & I wanted him to be exclusively mine. It was so obvious he felt the same, right? I mean, there was a chemistry. Right?

So why did he keep telling me about other girls he was dating.
Friends told me that was an old trick guys used to get the girls they like jealous, & I believed them.
I've got to tell him, I decided.

I did it via text; I hate confrontations. Long story short, he "loved spending time with me, but didn't sense anything romantic between us". At first, I was nauseated. I just sat in my shock & nausea wondering how I was ever going to breathe again. A few minutes later, I was relieved: at least now I knew & could stop thinking there was any potential. Later, I was humiliated. I had never been rejected, primarily because I had never gone out on a limb like that, I had never liked someone enough to.

He wanted to remain friends, in that sadistic way that most males do, but my heart was completely depleted. I quickly discovered, after a few failed attempts, that I couldn't be around him. Sharing the same space reminded me that he had refused my offer to be his, I wasn't good enough. He didn't like me. I had been rejected.

I tried to completely cut him off, but he would sporadically text me, as did I, random greetings, or questions about retail discounts (he worked/s in retail). After he texted me "Happy New Years, Jess!" I replied with, "I miss you." He responded he did too. This was great, I thought; maybe we can start our friendship over. A mutual friend told me he'd be playing at a local venue & we should go watch him perform. THIS WAS PERFECT, the second day of the year, I'd surprise him and we would all be friends and happy and wonderful. I showed up & sat with our shared friends; he hadn't arrived. When he finally walked in, my heart skipped a beat. As he approached our table, I smiled as I attempted to reach his gaze...it never happened. He greeted everyone around me as he completely ignored my existence. I sat in stunned silence. A few minutes later, he walked away and I overheard someone say, "Isn't that his girlfriend over there?" My heart, or what remained of it, evaporated.
A friend of ours leaned over and said, "Are you okay?" I played it off completely nonchalant. I had been hurt by him before, although not intentionally (it wasn't his fault he didn't like me), but his obvious dismissal that was apparent to everyone stirred a new emotion in me. I wasn't sad anymore, no, no. I was mad.

The next day I deleted his number and realized, 'You know what? I am awesome. I'm funny, I'm cool, people love me. If he doesn't want to be around me, there's plenty of other people who do.'

It's amazing what a paradigm shift can do for a girl. I used to want to be with him so bad, and now I don't want to be anyone's anything. Why bother? Have you seen how many good looking men there are in Provo, Utah? Why would I limit myself? I've been asked out more in the past month that I had been in the last 6 months of 2012.

I don't think about him hardly ever, and when I do; it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Last night I allowed myself to think about him for a while longer and I realized why the idea of love is no longer appealing to me; I loved him. He was 100% 'it' for me. I used to call him Checklist, in my mind because he was literally everything I'd ever wanted in someone. I was so sure. But, I was wrong. How could someone I was so invested in & willing to place all my bets on, let me down? I felt so right about it at the time, and now a mere 4 months later, I see him and wonder, "What the hell did I see in him?" Where's the guarantee that won't happen with the next person I'm "sure about". This is what causes divorce, right? It's just been elongated, then one day you wake up and think, "Hell. What did I get myself into?"

No thank-you, sir. I'd rather not.

9 Months

I haven't written on here since I got pregnant; I AM KIDDING. But it has been 9 months, so hypothetically speaking, I could have conceived, carried, labored, and delivered a baby in the time of my absence. 

Wow, what to say. Hmm. I met someone, fell in love, it wasn't reciprocated; ceased all communication, and now he is dating my brother's ex-girlfriend. 
YAY PROVO UTAH'S INFINITELY SMALL YET VAST DATING POOL. 

I got kicked out of school because my grades weren't up to par, my parents got divorced, I moved in with my dad; became best friends with him, was forced to move out after 8 glorious months, my great-grandma who I was unusually close to died; I started going to the temple almost weekly, I began attending institute, I quit my job with my dad & didn't come back after 2 weeks like I usually do, I started working with a lady in my ward; I started hiking and spending time in nature, & I read some life-changing books. 

In retrospect, I had some really high highs, and some really low lows. I think I've cried more in these past few months than I have in a really long time. I considered and seriously almost did, leave a couple times. The idea of starting over somewhere where no one knows me is so attractive sometimes. But, I didn't leave and I am glad. The reality is I've developed a pattern of running away when things don't go the way I'd like them to.

 Now, I don't want to sound hypersensitive or weak, "the way I'd like" doesn't mean what I'm sure whoever is reading this is thinking. I've experienced some terrible things. I've seen and heard things I pray to God no one I love ever has to. My childhood ended when I was about 10, and my self-esteem started about a year ago. I've had every role from mother to peace maker to psychiatrist to therapist thrust upon me. I didn't ask for them, they were forcibly given to me. But as I get older and learn more life principles from some incredible people, I realize this has to stop. I need to grow accustomed to dealing with things and not leaving at the first sign of a storm. 

I'm really happy right now, and I hope I can keep this feeling for a long time. 

Mi May

Upper Falls, Provo Canyon

Different.

I can't do things other people my age get to do. 

I can't go to shows in downtown on Friday night.

I can't go on dates to the movies. 

I can't have fun with my friends and disappear for days.

I am constantly thinking of what I should be doing, could be diffusing, might be helping; at home.

It's so frustrating, I can't enjoy anything. 

I feel guilty if I go to school an hour early to study because maybe I could've used that hour to help with the cleaning, or pick the kids up from school, etc.

What if these feelings never go away? How am I supposed to live my life?

A BIG Something.

I'm doing a BIG something in my life.

It's something that (this is going to sound so familiar, like 3 posts down-familiar)

I've been wanting to do for a while. There was always some reason about why I couldn't do it,

whether it be school, or family, or waiting on someone/something (dumb).

But the timing is perfect. Literally, couldn't be more ideal, and I'm doing it.

I was going to do a different big thing, just as big, maybe bigger, but a lot risker, but I decided against it.

There's a certain type of girl that can do certain types of things. Some girls can live with males who aren't gay and not worry about the possibility of an awkward advance resulting in an instant shut down. I am not one of those girls.

But I'm realizing that "this life is all we have". I know how superbly retarded that sounds when said aloud, but it's so very true. This BIG thing has been in the depths of my mind for years now, but it started coming to light following a "The Buried Life" marathon.

Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking, "MTV!?" But those boys, despite how rambuncious and hormonal they may be, are living. We all watch, and "ooooh" and "ahhhh", but why are we sitting the a basement of a Saturday night watching other people be happy?

WHY CAN'T WE BE HAPPY?

I decided we can. & I can. So I will.

I feel like nature agrees with me, the leaves are changing colors, likewise, it's high time I change environments.