The Crinkle of Paper

When I was younger my dad would come home from work long after I'd gone to bed. I would hazily hear the garage door opening and then closing and him walking in. My eyes would flutter open when I heard the unmistakable crinkle of paper alerting me that my dad had some fast food glory to share with me.
I would tip-toe down the stairs, always surprising myself at how silent I was, and as I turned the corner, he'd be there in the kitchen about to enjoy his meal. He never scolded me for crawling out of bed; I was always greeted with a smile. He'd share his food, always letting me have the last bite and I'd thank him with a kiss and head back to bed content in my stomach and heart.

It's nights like tonight, as I close the garage door behind me and unwrap my burger; when I hear the crinkle of paper, that make me miss my dad the most. I wish he was home, where he belongs. I wish we could talk about everything and nothing. I wish I could tell him about boys I liked and watch him roll his eyes and tell me they're all losers. I wish we could watch worthless TV till 3 in the morning like we used to. I hate that he's not here. I hate that thinking about him can make me cry. I hate that I couldn't change the situation. I hate that I hate my mother for making him leave. But worst of all, I hate that I miss someone who isn't gone.

Different.

I can't do things other people my age get to do. 

I can't go to shows in downtown on Friday night.

I can't go on dates to the movies. 

I can't have fun with my friends and disappear for days.

I am constantly thinking of what I should be doing, could be diffusing, might be helping; at home.

It's so frustrating, I can't enjoy anything. 

I feel guilty if I go to school an hour early to study because maybe I could've used that hour to help with the cleaning, or pick the kids up from school, etc.

What if these feelings never go away? How am I supposed to live my life?

A BIG Something.

I'm doing a BIG something in my life.

It's something that (this is going to sound so familiar, like 3 posts down-familiar)

I've been wanting to do for a while. There was always some reason about why I couldn't do it,

whether it be school, or family, or waiting on someone/something (dumb).

But the timing is perfect. Literally, couldn't be more ideal, and I'm doing it.

I was going to do a different big thing, just as big, maybe bigger, but a lot risker, but I decided against it.

There's a certain type of girl that can do certain types of things. Some girls can live with males who aren't gay and not worry about the possibility of an awkward advance resulting in an instant shut down. I am not one of those girls.

But I'm realizing that "this life is all we have". I know how superbly retarded that sounds when said aloud, but it's so very true. This BIG thing has been in the depths of my mind for years now, but it started coming to light following a "The Buried Life" marathon.

Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking, "MTV!?" But those boys, despite how rambuncious and hormonal they may be, are living. We all watch, and "ooooh" and "ahhhh", but why are we sitting the a basement of a Saturday night watching other people be happy?

WHY CAN'T WE BE HAPPY?

I decided we can. & I can. So I will.

I feel like nature agrees with me, the leaves are changing colors, likewise, it's high time I change environments.