We're The Same.

I just watched this video, I often spend minutes upon minutes on Youtube.com, specifically the "What Would You Do"clips. There's been a few that moved me, but this one brought tears to my eyes.


The man's quote at the end, "Somos igual que ellos, tenemos la misma carne." 
"We're the same, we have the same flesh."


Where did this start? Who decided that a difference in pigment represents value?
We are people, humans. We are not a lesser species, we are not a different category.
We are human beings with the same anatomy, the same feelings, and the same abilities.


I feel like there's so many misconceptions and accepted notions that have become standard in today's society. My father took extreme risks and made tremendous sacrifices to ensure that I would be born here in the United States. He wanted me to have every opportunity and window to achieve what I wanted. 
He wanted me to be safe & be able to explore any avenue I wanted to take. 


Despite growing up in a very wealthy, very suburbanized area, I felt discriminated against. 
I can't tell you how many times I grew up listening to, 
"Mexicans are (some derogatory term/sentence/adjective). Oh, but not you. You're different."
It still hurt me. At 6 years-old, I remember wanting to get off the school bus more than anything. Even that young, I knew that something wasn't right. I could feel it. 


I've also noticed that as I've grown up, people will say obviously offensive things to me, without realizing it. They honestly believe I won't get offended. The last week I was in school before I withdrew, a boy was helping me with my Italian, (the professor had noticed that I often mixed Italian with Spanish, which is very easy to do because the languages sound so similar) I had been doing very poorly in the class, and this young man offered to help. 
I thought, 'why not'. I was so screwed in the class already, I figured it couldn't get worse. 
This guy was very "smart", he knew French, Italian, Spanish, and English fluently, and seemed very confident that he could help me get it right. 


The beginning went really well, I felt like I was starting to get it, & this guy seemed nice enough. He started telling me about what he wanted to do when he grew up and mentioned that he planned on becoming a real estate agent from home, "So that I can pick up my kids from school if I want." This being BYU, I realized this was "I'd be a great father!" in code. I blew it off with a smile, since I really just wanted to learn this freaking language. Spanish kept coming up because, as previously mentioned, it's so close to Italian. He suddenly started saying how ugly Spanish is and how much he didn't like it. 


Okay, at this point I'm thinking, 'He's joking..right? He's GOTTA BE JOKING.' I mean, I'm RIGHT THERE. He's telling ME how terrible Spanish is, my native tongue. When I realized that there was actually zero humor in his remark, I tried to defuse the growing anxiety I began to feel by saying, "But if you're going to be working in real estate, you'll have to learn Spanish, that's what most of your clients will speak." (flash smile) and he responds with, "Ha-ha, oh no, I'm only planning on working with real Americans."


I literally have never felt myself shake with fury. It took everything I had to not get up & walk off in tears. It got even better when I remarked, "Real Americans? So..did you learn Navajo? Because the only "real" Americans are the Native Americans." (In all actuality, "America" starts in Canada and ends in Brazil, but if I explained that to this close-minded little man, he probably would've punched me right in the face). He started arguing with me, all while getting back up from an RM (from, Oh! Italy! Of course) making me feel about one inch tall. 


I am Mexidorian-American. I am half-Mexican, half-Salvadorean. I was born in Provo, Utah. I am JUST AS AMERICAN as the people whose great-grandparents migrated from England/Ireland/WHATEVER 100 years ago. 


I do NOT understand why people feel like they can tell ME things about MY PEOPLE and think I won't get offended. 


I can still remember the moment I realized, NO. I AM NOT BETTER. I AM THEM. AND THEY ARE ME. THEY ARE MY PEOPLE. There is NOTHING that separates them from me. I may have made different choices, different lifestyle habits, maybe even morals, BUT WE ARE THE SAME. 
True then, the fact that we, Mexicans, are the same as Caucasians, or Asians, or whatever other name different races have for themselves. 


We have to make a change in this world. It's up to us, because unfortunately, that man is going to grow up, get married, and raise his kids to have the same ignorant mind-set about people. We need to realize our err and fix it, NOW. My dad used to say "We just need to wait for those people to die out." in reference to the older people who were just as racist as they were cute. They didn't know any different, and at 89 years old, it's a little hard to change their alzheimer-ridden mind. 
But our blossoming generation, it has hope. Imagine a world where people don't see color? My aunt was telling me how she walked into a wedding with my uncle the other day and feeling a bit out of place said, "We're the only white people here." My uncle is my mother's brother. They were born in Veracruz. He whispered back, "I'm not white." She was so used to seeing him as an equal, she forgot his skin color. 


Ohhhh my goodness, I haven't raged and ranted like this in a while, but it feels good. We've got to do something. It can't stay like this. 

Where?

Where can I turn for peace,
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul.
Where, when my aching grows,
Where when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand
He, only One.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching,
In my Gethsemane,
Savior and Friend
Gentle the peace he finds
for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind
Love without end


I had the best Sunday yesterday. I felt the Spirit so strongly, I think it's this environment. 
I feel like the Church in Utah is so much less relatable because the people are more concerned with what they're wearing & who they're dating & other irrelevant stuff. Here, the cute little single's ward has like 45 members. & they come to church because they want to. 
(Although, I would NOT mind dating the gospel doctrine teacher, heee heee heeeee)


I'm happy. 

A BIG Something.

I'm doing a BIG something in my life.

It's something that (this is going to sound so familiar, like 3 posts down-familiar)

I've been wanting to do for a while. There was always some reason about why I couldn't do it,

whether it be school, or family, or waiting on someone/something (dumb).

But the timing is perfect. Literally, couldn't be more ideal, and I'm doing it.

I was going to do a different big thing, just as big, maybe bigger, but a lot risker, but I decided against it.

There's a certain type of girl that can do certain types of things. Some girls can live with males who aren't gay and not worry about the possibility of an awkward advance resulting in an instant shut down. I am not one of those girls.

But I'm realizing that "this life is all we have". I know how superbly retarded that sounds when said aloud, but it's so very true. This BIG thing has been in the depths of my mind for years now, but it started coming to light following a "The Buried Life" marathon.

Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking, "MTV!?" But those boys, despite how rambuncious and hormonal they may be, are living. We all watch, and "ooooh" and "ahhhh", but why are we sitting the a basement of a Saturday night watching other people be happy?

WHY CAN'T WE BE HAPPY?

I decided we can. & I can. So I will.

I feel like nature agrees with me, the leaves are changing colors, likewise, it's high time I change environments.

I'm a bad person.

I want to get asked on dates solely to get free food.

I am so hungry.

Havoc.

I saw my best friend Chelsea yesterday for the first time in a while, and apparently I've changed. This makes me sad. She said I look really sad. I told her, "Oh, it's probably because I'm not wearing make-up, also--I haven't eaten in a while." But alas, she said, "No. It's something in your eyes." Apparently, despite my efforts, everything that's been going on has really affected me. I feel really depressed that I wasn't able to hide it better. HOWEVER, I got an epiphany: maybe she only noticed the difference because I told her. Honestly, the only reason she knows what's going on, is because I told her, but honestly, it's nothing different than what I've been living through my whole life. It's weird for someone to see a sliver of what you've lived your whole life. Life. Weird. I sit on this bed in this room I'm renting most of the day. The TV wasn't working until 34 minutes ago, so I was going crazy. I was watching the Kardashian's, so naturally I felt prompted to practice my smoky eye make up. HOLLA.

New Beginning

I finally moved out of my parent's house.

I literally packed up my little golden treasure of a car & was out by 2:50 pm on Monday.

It feels so surreal, still.

I'm stoked to be paying my own bills, there's definitely something wrong with me.

It had to be done though, & I know that this is necessary to better myself.

For the longest time I've dreamed & fantasized about moving out, and I finally did it.

I also happen to have the best roommate in all the land.

I am so genuinely happy right now, for the first time in a long time.

Ephiphany Number: I Stopped Counting 15 Years Ago.

I just realized something about Provo guys.

A.) They are HAWT. Obvi not all of them, because that would be just...unnatural, but most of them. HOWEVER--

B.) They are seriously so stupid. Like, STUPID as in "not smart". They're educated, some are even intelligent, but they're stupid. They like you, their friends know they like you, their parents know they like you, but HEAVEN FORBID they ask you on a date (remember the days? me neither) so that you can have precious butterfly bonding time. That would be too...logical.

C.) AND WHEN THEY DO DATE, it's freaking ugly girls. Like seriously? I can't even be mad over who you chose over me because they're U-G-L-Y. I don't get it. FMCL.

I enjoy venting :)

I don't think I'll be so feisty when I'm off my menstrual cycle.

Epiphany # ?

I realized something a few weeks ago, but haven't gotten around to posting it until now:

No one will love me until I love myself.

The reason I hate compliments, the reason I can't stand when people stare at me, the reason I never believe when people tell me I'm so (something positive) is because I don't feel that way about myself! If you do not believe in..God, and someone is telling you all these great things about Him, it won't matter, because you don't believe in him. It doesn't apply to you.

THIS IS MY PROBLEM.

I need to learn to love myself. That way, when someone compliments me I can say, "Thanks."

& mean it. As in, "Thank you for noticing this true fact about me, I feel the same way."

Okay. So there's epiphany number _. Next epiphany:

There is nothing left for me here.

This wonderful city of Provo, Utah with all it's indie glory, has nothing to offer me.

Christofer Drew Ingle says it best:

"I plead for relief,

This town won't receive
All the things that I want.
The things that I need."

I can't catch a break, so I'm making my own.

There's no turning back this time, no running home to Daddy.

This time, it's real.

I fear my heart is freezing over..

I'm getting tired.

Really tired. Emotionally as well as physically.

I am sick of the same, insane, worthless actions.

Insanity: doing the same thing & expecting different results.

It's getting harder to stay optimistic.

"One person can only do so much".

PREACH.

If someone you've been placed with is someone you sincerely cannot be around, what would be the point of trying to find someone new to include in your life? If you can't love the person that God placed you with, how could you possibly love someone that you, yourself pick?

I'm losing it. And I'm starting to just go through the motions, rather than live.

(If there's a light at the end of the tunnel, is there a lighthouse at the end? Who controls it?

The only peaceful way to live is to die, 'cause who else will make it out alive? -Isaac Russell)

Trick.

tRicK'(n.) A broad term for describing women who are either teases, hoes, or one of the above pretending to be the other.

Either there's a Provo All-star male who ruins your perception of the whole species, or there's my new favorite term:

TRICK.

Ironically, the Provo All-stars do have a soft spot, a kryptonite if you will--they are the "tricks".

As defined above beautifully by Urban Dictionary, a trick is a hoe. Or a tease. In short, a trick is a female Provo-All star, although judging by their mention in various rap/hip-hop music videos/songs, I'm willing to bet they've extended beyond the boundaries of Provo. How great for them.

All the good girls get their hearts crushed by these All-stars, and all the good guys get played by these Tricks.

We should gather all the A★'s & T's (abbreviations are my vice) and stick them on some distant island where they can't communicate or interact with anyone but their douche-bag counterpart. I, for one, think that is a capital idea.

Dream II

I had another dream early this morning..it was horrible. 80% of the time in the dream, I'm sobbing. There's nothing harder than seeing someone you love degrade. Time is so valuable, but it can be so cruel. The worst part is, as you watch the deteriorating relationship, you can't blame anyone. It's not your fault, it's not theirs. You just have to deal with the mood swings and roll with the punches. Tough stuff.

Every once in a while, though, there's a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. There's two quotes that embody the light I've seen this week:

"I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves is unaided in the challenges that we face. "Nor will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall one man (or woman or child) upon the face thereof to be saved." On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in the dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal. Not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with--here, now, everyday. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind."

-Jeffery R. Holland

"At time some may think that no one cares--but someone always cares! Your Heavenly Father will not leave you to struggle alone, but stands ever ready to help."

-Thomas S. Monson

Sometimes life is hard, really hard. And despite traditional roles being filled around you, you still feel that you have no one. It's crucial to remember that The Man Upstairs loves you, and will not leave you. When this truth is remembered, the sun shines a little brighter, and hope is your best friend.

Dream..

I went to bed at 6 last night, so naturally my body woke me up 6 1/2 hours later. At 12:44 am.

Awesome.

I had a dream, and first I was sleeping over with my friend Chels, and then I woke up to go to the bathroom (in the dream) and there was a tanning bed in the bathroom, so I used it, and went back to bed. But when I woke up, (in the dream) I was with my ex-bff Emily (which made me miss her) and I went to go look in the mirror and I was SO TAN. And SO PRETTY. Like, I loved myself in my dream. I'm not saying appearances are related to self-love, but in my dream I was just amazed. Weird right?

At any rate, I can't sleep now, so I've been studying/watching Tyra on youtube.

I had amazing plans to travel somewhere this fall, but because of my financial situation and lack of support, I won't be able to attend.

I just hope & pray that I get this job I applied for, since it would be my dream job, and then I can save up & earn my own money. Depend on myself. That's how it's going to have to be. For a really long time. Possibly forever. Sweet.

Lull

Y'know what I'm sick of?

A lot of things.

I don't want to complain, so I won't.

But you know that feeling when you're like, "Ehhhh.."

Yeah. I know that feeling too.

I've been at my parent's for almost 2 consecutive weeks.

I'm getting too comfortable here, and I hate my roommate too much.

I need to man up (woman up) and just go home.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHH. <--that's me sighing.

Isn't communication so weird?

Like, texting. What the heck is up with that?

You're literally like..sending someone a piece of paper and it's magically appearing in their phone. It's so..weird and frail and..magical. Yet, if no one texts me, I feel pretty worthless.

That probably translates to some sort of self-esteem issues.

And language! I always catch myself in the middle of a conversation and I'm like, 'wow...what if I didn't know english? How would me and this person be communicating right now?'

Then I realize I've missed 45% of the conversation. But it's because, again, I WAS COMMUNICATING! With myself, that is. It's called "intrapersonal communication", and that's WHAT'S UP.

New Philosophy

So:

For many reason at the end of last year, I chose to adopt a new philosophy for 2011.

It was as follows; "use 'em, & lose 'em".

Of course, it was regarding the male species.

I just thought it would better to treat them all the way they treat us.

Right?...

WRONG.

Fortunately I have been extremely blessed with THE BEST of friends

(they're actually more like family).

Last night was my Soul Sister Othilie Hoem's birthday party

& of course we were all there..

After the masses started leaving, the rest of us began a discussion on..

Toes. Someone mentioned how we really only need our big toe, and that we really don't need the other 4 little guys and Othilie started having a heart attack because she doesn't like to discuss that, then of COURSE evolution came up, which NATURALLY led to a discussion on Religion..

The point of this post is to reveal my new philosophy.

And as I talked to Jessica R. I realized I was forgetting what I had learned,

and the guidance I had been given.

More important than what someone has done in the past, is what they're willing to do in the future.

Divine Potential.

I was blindly judging people for what they had done, when as once said at a general conference:

"You can't tell by looking at a frog how high he will jump" (Vietnamese proverb)

THUS: my new philosophy--

Everything happens for a reason & be kind to everyone.

There's a Man Upstairs who knows what I need better than I do; when I let him take the lead, I'll be okay. He'll do what's best for me even if I don't realize it.

So I just need to trust him & be nice to everyone, because you never know ;)

Missing the Point..

When I was younger, I made THE LIST in Young Women's.

Y'know, the list that contains everything I want/need in a husband.

At the very tippy tip top was always "RM".

Ahhhhh, yes; Returned Missionary, of course.

BUT WAIT--I've come to a realization.

Going on a mission doesn't mean what it used to.

Giving up 2 years of their lives to go forth and serve

doesn't promise a type of young man when the time's up.

I have seen, in my recent days/months/years,

that simply going on a mission doesn't qualify someone as a good person.

Or even a religious, ethical, high-standards-seeking person!

And this observation has caused a passionate opinion to form..

Don't do it.

Don't go through the temple; don't serve a mission.

Honestly, if you're going to defile the sacred clothing & come home excited to be "of the world" instead of simply "in the world"...DON'T GO.

I have lost so much respect for so many "RM"s who act worst than people that didn't go on a mission! Seriously? What did you do for those 2 years?

And if you truly were invested in the work & service...did you forget it so quickly?

I feel like a lot of pre/post missionaries are missing the point;

A mission isn't "I'm going to be really good for 2 years, then party when I come home."

Its, "I'm going to go on a mission to prepare to come home a better and changed person."

The mission is only the BEGINNING of a monumental change in person, character, actions, etc.

Don't get me wrong, I want there to be missionaries. There's nothing I love more (that's sort of an exaggeration; there's plenty of things I love more: food, air, water, Jersey Shore) than seeing missionaries walking together on a sidewalk in Provo, Utah.

But if you're going to come home, and not live your life worthy to bear the garments you continue to wear, (because let's be honest, that's what all the girls will be hoping are peeking out of your sleeves/neck) DON'T DO IT.

You're not just defying the sacred apparel, you're defying the church.

It's sad; they're missing the point.

And frankly, I fear the good, worthy, list-approved man is becoming extinct.