I've recently been fortunate enough to be given
trials that increase my understanding for two very important things: trust
& patience.
Upon returning from the Middle East, I found
myself feeling very frustrated about the way things were turning out. I had
imagined the manner I would return to the life I had left behind and felt angry
when the transition wasn't as seamless as I had anticipated. With half my
friends being out of the state, the other half out of the country, and my best
friend, mentor and father further than I'd like, I sunk into a melancholy and
desolate place that I always try to avoid, but sometimes can't help succumbing
to.
I remember one night finding myself lying on
the road in front of my house looking at the stars with tears streaming down my
face as I told my dad I didn't know what to do. I felt so powerless to change
my situation and was upset that my happiness seemed to be in the hands of
others. My dad, being the great man that he is, listened as I sobbed and
complained about my life and listened silently. He told me he understood how I
felt and emphasized the importance of praying, and turning to The Lord. He
told me I didn't need to tell God what I wanted or needed, He knew. I had to
serve, be an example, and trust that Heavenly Father would give me what I
needed when He saw best.
Since I was living at home, the ward I was
assigned to go to was a YSA ward. The idea of being in an awkward social
situation made my stomach turn and I wasn't near ready to face my home ward and
the questions that would be associated with my return to the states. I decided
to find a ward on campus and hopefully find some solace. I walked into an
auditorium not knowing anyone, but sensing it would be a good outcome. The
speakers that day spoke about the importance of patience in decision making,
the value of agency, and trusting in our Heavenly Father's plan for us. My
favorite quote from that meeting was from C.S. Lewis,
"God has infinite attention, infinite
leisure to spare for each one of us. He doesn't have to take us in the line.
You're as much alone with Him as if you were the only thing He'd ever
created."
As I heard the speaker reference this great
man and his inspired words, I felt my eyes swell with emotion. I knew I
was hearing what The Lord wanted me to hear. I was where he wanted me to be. I
left that meeting with a newfound determination to trust The Lord and believe
in the love He has for me.
My personality is one where...I prefer to be
in control. The idea of being vulnerable and at the mercy of others' decisions
frightens me. Returning home from Jordan, the situation in Israel got worse and
worse. I felt that same frustration of not being able to help or do anything
and I remembered a conversation I had with a dear friend of mine while I
was overseas about the fighting in the country next to us. This was about 2
months ago and oddly enough, when I was in Jordan I knew very little about what
was happening. As my friend educated me and shared personal experiences of her
own life and the way it had been effected, I saw her begin to cry. This girl is
a beautiful person whose personality and character is a summation of everything
good. She is always giving, always smiling, and always serving others. To see
her filled with such sadness broke my heart. I didn't know what to say or how
to comfort her. I felt helpless.
Today I sat down to eat and as I began to reach
for my phone, I felt the inclination instead to read my scriptures. I opened
the book without thinking and began reading the first things I saw,
"Psalms 46".
A scripture that I've assigned as my life mantra
popped up in the chapter heading,
"Be still and know that I am God."
I continued reading and as I read
the following verses, I thought of my friend and the situation in the
Middle East, "He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth;
he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in
the fire. Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the
heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord of hosts is with
us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah."
I know that things happen that are out of our
control. I know that bad things happen to good people. I know that people use
their agency to hurt others, and that is heartbreaking. But I also know that
God is real. I know that he is aware of us and "a very present help in
trouble" (Psalms 46:1)
As I concluded my reading the following verse of
hymn entered my mind,
"Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not
dismayed, for I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee,
help thee, and cause thee to stand..."
