Trust

Every time I get an epiphany, I realize how brilliant the title of my blog is.

As I fought to study for another few hours today, my mind was like, "hell nah, I'm exhausted, gurl."
Which I can respect, I've been up and at it since 7 am, which is unnatural.

So this latest enlightenment came as a result of an experience. I'd like to believe that I'm this super cold, cool, heartless girl that remembers nothing and cares about no one. But desafortunadamente (real word in Spanish that means "unfortunately"), that is not the case. I actually love my dog, Sweetie a whole lot. I also am unusually close to my little brother Ian. My neighbor is one of my best friends, and I have a pretty solid group of people who make me laugh. That being said, I recently found out that I am more guarded than I thought.

It's very easy to be friends with someone, or "close" to someone, without having any real substantial relationship. As I learned from my first roommate in college, you can think you know someone, but realize you don't. It is possible for a lengthy friendship to never go past the superficial level. Now, this isn't the case with my friends, most of them I'm fairly close to emotionally, and they know a lot about my feelings and what not. But I have come across the reality that I cannot be intimate with people, because I do not trust people.

Namely, men. Since I am referring to "intimacy" in the physical sense, and am heterosexual.

From previous blogposts, I reveal that I've flirted with the concept of love; played with the idea of having a romantic interaction with different people. But each time I've walked away brokenhearted, and less enthusiastic to pursue something else. Since starting school last month, my social interactions have decreased dramatically, with anyone; including the opposite sex. And even before I started school, I hadn't had any sort of "thing" with anyone for a few months.

Of course, we all know Life does whatever she wants (I feel like Life can be characterized as a girl, since she's pretty spontaneous), and last weekend was no exception to her indecision, for I found myself staring at my ceiling as a boy's lips pressed against mine.

I couldn't explain to him why I was so non-responsive. I wanted to be a co-participator, and enjoy this brief interaction, but I literally could not. As he continued to try to evoke some sort of response from me (through words, questions, nudging) I came to a conclusive possibility. After asking me to share this theory with him a few times, I agreed. "I think it's because I'm so jealous." I had felt feelings for this boy previously, but chose to shut them out when I learned he had begun a friendship with one of my best friends. "I think that might be the problem," I continued, "I know you talk to her, and if there's another girl in any given scenario, I don't compete, I just stop." We mused over the possibility of this being the hindrance, and after a while dropped the subject. He went home, and I went to the local reservoir to sunburn.

Days later, however, I am finally realizing that my jealousy may not be the only problem. Kissing requires a vulnerability. You let go of your fears and reservations and offer a small part of yourself to a stranger. More often than not, it's accepted and you make out for hours and it's all good and dandy. But both parties need to be willing to drop their shields. And that, my friends, is something I wasn't willing to do. I wasn't able to kiss this boy because I do not trust him. It's not him, specifically that is the problem (he's actually very attractive, and funny, and humane), it's men in general. As is recommended, I learned from my problems; but I also didn't forget how badly I had been hurt. And every rude word, gesture, look, and text assisted in the walls I built around my heart.

 Initially, I thought this meant I will never kiss another person again, and I began to accept my future of celibacy and reading books every night for the rest of my life. But soon realized that's not the case. The fact that I'm closed off doesn't mean I don't deserve to be loved. It does mean it will take more time. Unfortunately (or fortunately, however you want to look at it), this means I won't be able to have random hook-ups with strangers. The person I begin a relationship with in the future will have to be patient, understanding, and willing to deal with the mess that was left by those before him.

WHO KNEW KISSING WAS SO COMPLICATED.