Necessary Change

I love my little brother. Despite our 14 year difference, Ian and I are undoubtedly the closest of my siblings. I love being around him; I love the way his eyes light up when he sees me. I love the way he grabs my hand when we're driving. I love the love I feel between us. 

I'm not his mother, and as much as I love him, I'm told a mother's love is unmatched. Even so, the thought of being separated from him shakes me to the core and fills me with a hollow sadness. 

I can't imagine how it feels to be apart from your child. 

Someone I know and love very much is an "illegal immigrant" and although she's lived here for years & has had some children here, her oldest is still in her homeland. She couldn't bring him when she came north. 

What's the moral thing to do? I asked my dad what the penalty of "smuggling" an "illegal immigrant" was, and he told me for him, a resident, it's prison for 30 years. I asked for myself, a citizen; he replied, "it's not worth the risk." But I couldn't get it out of my mind. Isn't it?

My dad said they could bring their son over legally, but it was very expensive. "How expensive?" He shook his head and replied, "it's impossible."

I don't know how I'm supposed to go about my day knowing someone lives with a pain like that, haunting everything they do. 

 

Situations like this motivate me further to fulfill my dream of changing the immigration policies in the United States. These stories propel me to exceed in school and excel in law school so I can make a difference. People always ask me how I think I'm going to change the laws, or what my goal is. I finally identified it, "to unite families, foreign and domestic."

My religion's core is based on families, and although I know the scriptures say to obey the law of the land, isn't family the most important thing we acquire in this life? 

My heart is broken, but my drive is ignited. 

Trust

Every time I get an epiphany, I realize how brilliant the title of my blog is.

As I fought to study for another few hours today, my mind was like, "hell nah, I'm exhausted, gurl."
Which I can respect, I've been up and at it since 7 am, which is unnatural.

So this latest enlightenment came as a result of an experience. I'd like to believe that I'm this super cold, cool, heartless girl that remembers nothing and cares about no one. But desafortunadamente (real word in Spanish that means "unfortunately"), that is not the case. I actually love my dog, Sweetie a whole lot. I also am unusually close to my little brother Ian. My neighbor is one of my best friends, and I have a pretty solid group of people who make me laugh. That being said, I recently found out that I am more guarded than I thought.

It's very easy to be friends with someone, or "close" to someone, without having any real substantial relationship. As I learned from my first roommate in college, you can think you know someone, but realize you don't. It is possible for a lengthy friendship to never go past the superficial level. Now, this isn't the case with my friends, most of them I'm fairly close to emotionally, and they know a lot about my feelings and what not. But I have come across the reality that I cannot be intimate with people, because I do not trust people.

Namely, men. Since I am referring to "intimacy" in the physical sense, and am heterosexual.

From previous blogposts, I reveal that I've flirted with the concept of love; played with the idea of having a romantic interaction with different people. But each time I've walked away brokenhearted, and less enthusiastic to pursue something else. Since starting school last month, my social interactions have decreased dramatically, with anyone; including the opposite sex. And even before I started school, I hadn't had any sort of "thing" with anyone for a few months.

Of course, we all know Life does whatever she wants (I feel like Life can be characterized as a girl, since she's pretty spontaneous), and last weekend was no exception to her indecision, for I found myself staring at my ceiling as a boy's lips pressed against mine.

I couldn't explain to him why I was so non-responsive. I wanted to be a co-participator, and enjoy this brief interaction, but I literally could not. As he continued to try to evoke some sort of response from me (through words, questions, nudging) I came to a conclusive possibility. After asking me to share this theory with him a few times, I agreed. "I think it's because I'm so jealous." I had felt feelings for this boy previously, but chose to shut them out when I learned he had begun a friendship with one of my best friends. "I think that might be the problem," I continued, "I know you talk to her, and if there's another girl in any given scenario, I don't compete, I just stop." We mused over the possibility of this being the hindrance, and after a while dropped the subject. He went home, and I went to the local reservoir to sunburn.

Days later, however, I am finally realizing that my jealousy may not be the only problem. Kissing requires a vulnerability. You let go of your fears and reservations and offer a small part of yourself to a stranger. More often than not, it's accepted and you make out for hours and it's all good and dandy. But both parties need to be willing to drop their shields. And that, my friends, is something I wasn't willing to do. I wasn't able to kiss this boy because I do not trust him. It's not him, specifically that is the problem (he's actually very attractive, and funny, and humane), it's men in general. As is recommended, I learned from my problems; but I also didn't forget how badly I had been hurt. And every rude word, gesture, look, and text assisted in the walls I built around my heart.

 Initially, I thought this meant I will never kiss another person again, and I began to accept my future of celibacy and reading books every night for the rest of my life. But soon realized that's not the case. The fact that I'm closed off doesn't mean I don't deserve to be loved. It does mean it will take more time. Unfortunately (or fortunately, however you want to look at it), this means I won't be able to have random hook-ups with strangers. The person I begin a relationship with in the future will have to be patient, understanding, and willing to deal with the mess that was left by those before him.

WHO KNEW KISSING WAS SO COMPLICATED.

You is kind, you is smart, you is important.

I have felt the love God has for me many times in my life, especially when I am feeling the most lost and desolate.




I began school 2 weeks ago today, after a year break. 5 credits at BYU during Spring Semester are equivocal to taking 10 credits, due to the shortened time (7 weeks). One of the classes I am taking is D&C, the first half. I wait-listed for a professor who had extremely high marks on ratemyprofessor.com, prayed I'd get in, & did; though the odds weren't in my favor.


In order to make this blog post coherent, I need to include a fact about my personal life. I don't date. Ever. I've never had a boyfriend, & I've never been in anything even vaguely resembling a relationship. In high school, I thought dating was idiotic; what was the point? You'll never see them after graduation, right?

Once I began college, it seemed a bit more realistic, but not by much. I wasn't attracted to anyone in my classes, and dating someone from my Single's Ward was the stupidest thing imaginable (to me), how awkward would it be after the break up?

As my graduating class began to wed, however, I was often asked, "why aren't you dating anyone?" by my parents, friends, random strangers, etc. I never knew how to answer. Sometimes, I felt like I disappointed my parents; not dating someone. I'd say, "it's not my fault." But sometimes, I'd wonder.




A few months ago, a male friend of mine said to me,


"You're too smart and witty. I'm not saying to dumb it down. Just slow it down. It's super intimidating."


I have never, in my 21 years on this planet, been more offended. I remember getting chills and struggling to sleep that night. I was so hurt. My education was the most important thing to me, & I loved that I was witty. It was literally my favorite part of me, and now someone who I thought was a friend, was telling me it was a hinderance. I didn't know what to do.


Back to that D&C class I had today, & how God showed me, yet again, how much he loves me. As the class was winding down, the professor made a statement. He spoke of a time when some girls who had attended BYU asked their professor why he thought they were unmarried. He said, "some young men are too intimidated by women who are further in their education than they are, and would rather date incoming freshmen." My professor said this when there was literally 2 minutes left of class. As he said it, I froze; I could feel that this was a statement to me, from God. He is everlasting. He is endless. He is the beginning and the end, & he still took the time to let me know, He is aware of me.


I am smart. And yes, I am witty as hell. I have a broad vocabulary; I love to read. I value my education, and I will not apologize for that. I will not change myself to seem more attractive to someone. I am me, and I love it. & I know God does too.

There is Beauty All Around

 I have depressive tendencies and I can easily be triggered into a low emotional state. This past week, in addition to Mother Nature graciously alerting me that, no, I am not with child, a few triggers left me feeling depleted both emotionally and physically. My relationship with my mother had reached an all time low and I was tired of walking on eggshells in my own house. I'm very sensitive & love my friends a whole lot, so if I don't hear from people I hold dear, I can get very upset and introverted. By Saturday night, I was in a dark place and spent the next 47.30 hours (30 minutes for Sacrament on Sunday) in bed feeling sorry for myself. 

Around 8 o'clock, one of my friends whom I hadn't heard from in a while texted me asking if I wanted to go to a show. Now, I know some people would argue that a house show isn't appropriate Sabbath activity, but I had literally been in bed for 47.30 HOURS & I was more than anxious to get out of the house. I agreed, and some time later we found ourselves in a little house in downtown Provo surrounded by bearded, Pabst-drinking, beanie-wearing gentlemen; none of whom we knew. We cautiously chose a place on the carpet to sit & waited for the music to start. The first two groups were a few guys playing a guitar, bass, and at one point the drums. As I sat there listening, I felt like I could see these people the way God saw them. They were doing what they enjoyed; they were given and had honed a talent that was theirs alone, & chose to share it. I felt so much love for these boys, I had to consciously force myself to stop smiling and gazing at them doe-eyed, lest they should think I had ulterior motives. The last band was a group from out of state. As six, seemingly random people walked up to perform, I heard myself mutter, "Is this some sort of Arcade Fire thing?" Guys. I was blown away. The moment they began playing, the room was filled with a sort of magic. It was unlike any performance I had ever attended & I found myself getting chills. The minute they opened their harmonious mouths, the world stopped. I couldn't help but have the occurring thought, "there is beauty all around". I never would have thought I'd find it in the living room of a beer-filled, expletive-laced house. But, I did. 

This morning I awoke feeling similarly down, because of course, we humans need to be hit on the head repeatedly to understand a concept. My friend Andrea texted me & after learning I didn't have to go into work today (!), we decided to have an adventure. 100% spontaneity led us to the decision to go to the Bonneville Salt Flats. Have I ever been there? No. Andrea moved here from San Diego like 5 minutes ago. Did we have any idea what we were doing? No. But, we went for it. The drive was approximately 2.5 hours from Provo, which to be honest SOUNDS reasonable, but when you put two girls in the same car with similar patience thresholds, 45 minutes is an eternity. About halfway, we wondered what we were doing. Was this even worth it? There was no sign of our destination; no horizon to look forward to. We felt like we were just wasting gas & time. For some reason (thankfully), we continued. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING; the scenery on the way to Wendover is stunning. There is water on either sides of the highway & the clouds plus the expansive plains leave you breathless. The more we drove, the more beautiful it became. There were parts that were boring; nothing too exciting, but just moments later, we would be stunned again by the beauty of God's awesome nature. After a lifetime & a half, we finally arrived at a rest stop that was our destination. At first, it seemed like nothing; more white land, we had already seen miles of that. But as we got closer, we realized it was a shore of crystal clear water. The shallow water went on forever, it seemed & the white salt glistened like diamonds. The mountains in the background were a purple-blue, and we were in the most beautiful place in the world. I cannot describe how beautiful it was; the dozens of pictures I took don't do it justice. Everything was perfect. The sun was shining, there was a slight breeze & the entire universe was in perfect harmony. We decided to wade in, and as we took our first steps; it hurt. It felt like nails driving into our feet; the salt grains were enormous & grouped together like coral, but the further we went, the less it hurt and the more beautiful our surroundings became. We met a girl from Greece who was there with her boyfriend from England; they were stopping by on their way to Moab. WHAT, I know. She was so beautiful & so happy, I felt so blessed to have met her. We were the only 4 people in that moment to experience this perfect paradise. As we lavished in the splendor of God's creation; the thought came again, "there is beauty all around". Even as I reflect on today's events; my heart is still overwhelmingly full; running over, with love. The journey to the Salt Flats was a personal metaphor for life; for me. It's long, it's so excruciatingly long. & it's hard; there's moments when it seems pointless. But when you continue, God allows you to see some of what he has in store for you; just to motivate you to keep going, and when you finally reach your destination, you wonder how you could have ever doubted him. 

There is beauty all around us, we just have to look for it.   

I'm Falling in Love

 I'm no stranger to falling in love. To be honest, it is probably the idea of falling in love that I'm in love with, but the point is, I know what it's like. It doesn't take a lot for me to begin to feel something for someone, it can be small things like how long his eyelashes are, or the way he always pays for my food. Lately, I've begun to fall in love again. I am happy to report that this person I'm falling in love with, is me. No apologies, I am learning to love myself & it's so exciting. I don't usually like to go out in public without make-up; I don't feel as attractive, ergo I'm not as confident. But lately, I haven't been wearing much on my face aside from moisturizer, and I'm beginning to like how I look. I have plenty of scars and acne & quite an uneven skin tone, but I am accepting it. I love my face, with all it's imperfections. I love my body. I am not skinny, nor am I toned, but I love my body for all it does and it's perfect wholeness. With all it's faults and imperfections, I love it. I get giddy thinking about how wonderful I am, and the idea that someone will love me as much as I do one day gives me butterflies. 

I am just perfect

The Best Is Yet To Come

I've realized that throughout my life, there have always been extremes. Either very high highs, or depressingly low lows. This has resulted in a pretty unbalanced, me.

My childhood was not ordinary. My parents married very young and both came from extremely unstable households. I don't resent them, they did the best they could, but as is known, there is no handbook & mistakes were made. Early on, I learned to expect the worst. I would be told and promised things that never happened, and before my teen years, I had given up hoping for anything at all. Preparing for and expecting the worst became how I lived, and unfortunately, I wasn't too often disappointed.

By contrast, I have had many miracles happen in my life. Things that should not have happened to me. Probably one of the biggest of these miracles, was my acceptance into BYU immediately following high school graduation. Listen, I was not supposed to get accepted into BYU, not statistically. I don't know if God felt bad for all the times I didn't understand white idioms as a child, but he tacked on a scholarship in addition to my admission. You'd think I'd be weeping with gratitude at this point & becoming the most devout, Christlike person in Provo, but no. I was a punk kid & slept through most of my classes (at one point, my backpack consisted of a pillow & a blanket).

Not many people know this, but by my junior year, my parent's generally tumultuous marriage had reached an all time low. My little brother Ian is the greatest thing my parents have ever done for me & at this time we became closer than ever. Ian has always been very mature, he rarely cried as a child, and by the time he was 3, tantrums, whining, fussing; it all ended. He had just turned 6 at this point and as we got closer, he began to cling to me; depend on me. I couldn't leave the house without him crying; it got to the point to where attending school made me feel like I was abandoning him. He started calling me mom, and it was at about this time that my mother stopped talking to me. As Fall semester started, I realized I was depressed. I would stay up until 5 or 6 in the morning just lying in bed, and sleep in until 3 the following afternoon. School was the furthest of my priorities, and after some triggers, I decided to withdraw from school, sell my car, quit my job, and move to California. I didn't tell anyone until I was at the airport.  I just needed to get away.

I was in pure bliss for 4 weeks. Ian would call me on my mom and dad's phone almost everyday saying that he missed me and asking when I'd come home. Eventually, I stopped answering. His voice-mails would tear me apart. Often he'd be crying saying that he missed me and he needed me. My dad called me from BYU on one occasion in an effort to convince me to come back. But, I was happy in San Diego. I was living with my aunt and uncle and in those 4 weeks, my aunt Jolene taught me what it was to be a mother. She was the most loving, caring, understanding, interested person I had ever been around. She remembered things I would casually mention, we would go to lunch, we would talk for hours, she would drive me to church & pick me up on Sundays even though she isn't Mormon and Sunday was her day off. She was another miracle God gave me, to teach me what it's like to be loved. My dad called me one day in November to let me know that he was coming to San Diego to drop my great grandma off in Mexico. I hadn't seen her & missed her terribly. I agreed to go with him to Tijuana, but was resolute that I wouldn't return with him to Utah.

Long story short, I came home with my dad because the truth is, I will always be a Daddy's Girl. Nothing makes me happier than making my dad happy, and I knew that in the long run, returning to school was the best thing for me to do. I remember sitting in the car as my aunt kissed me good-bye, "You are always welcome here, " she told me. She didn't want me to leave, but in that loving way that only she's mastered, she supported me. I returned to BYU Winter of 2012, and after a depressing semester, I was told that I had let my GPA slip and was suspended from BYU for one year. I wasn't upset. I have always known that things happen how they're supposed to happen, I was totally at peace. My mom stormed out of the office & let me know how much of a disappointment I was to her, and my dad & I moved into a condo in downtown Provo.
I began working with my dad and we became closer than we had ever been. My dad became my best friend; I still remember staying up until dark thirty in the morning talking about the Gospel and eating ramen while watching Storage Wars.

One day, my dad's lawyer came in to Diego's to order some food. He knew about my interest in law so we often had conversations & knew each other fairly well. As he finished ordering he said, "So, the divorce is final." I looked at him with a blank stare, "What?" my parents have been saying they're going to get divorced since I was 10; I still have the journal entry I wrote in magenta crayon that is wrinkled with tear stains, from the first time they sat us down to tell us. What did he mean 'the divorce was final'? "Yeah, like your dad can date other women, now." Okay. I am easily the most jealous person I've ever met, and I am particularly possessive of my dad; just thinking of him dating other women made me nauseated. As cold and unfeeling as I had become, the minute his lawyer told me this, I felt myself regress to a child & the ball of emotion in my throat was on the verge of making itself manifest. This was it, I thought; I've become the statistic. I'm the 1 in 2 people who come from divorced parents. What am I going to say when I start dating someone, and he invites me over to family dinner, and his parents ask about my parents & I have to say, 'they're divorced', and his parents think, 'oh, she comes from a broken home,' and they decide I'm not good enough? Clearly, I lost it.

I was now, 21, not in school, from a broken home, without a car & to add insult to injury, my skin decided it was time that my acne, which never came in high school, showed up. I was in a lull. I was worthless. I wanted to move to Kentucky and live with my gay best friend, James whom I am in love with & just forget I had ever lived in Utah. But God had other plans. My dad served an LDS mission when he was 18 in Paraguay. His mission companion was Carl Hernandez, who I met not long after my world was starting to dissolve. Carl is the assistant dean at BYU Law. One day he came to Diego's & introduced himself, "Come sit and talk to me, I'll tell you about your dad." I was particularly mad at my dad on this day, but as I heard Carl talk about the kind of missionary my father was & his unshakable testimony, I began to see what an amazing man I have as a father. "I heard you wanted to go into law, come see me sometime." HA! If only he knew what a screw up I was, "I don't think school is for me," I responded, "Just come see me, we'll talk. If you don't, I'll call here until you do." I don't know what he saw in me, & I don't know why I felt I had to, but I made an appointment to see him a few weeks later. This is the third miracle; meeting Carl. I asked my dad to come with me, not really knowing what the objective of the meeting was, we met, I told him a synopsis of my depressing situation & sat back, sort of expecting him to say something along the lines of, "Oh, well I didn't know you sucked at life, never mind." As we sat in his office Carl said to me, "Jessica, you were accepted into BYU for a reason. I can tell without looking at your grades that you are very smart. If you'll let me, I'd like to help you." Again, I don't know what he saw in this messy-haired, slump shouldered, sad-eyed person on his couch, but he stood up, walked to a bowl he had on his desk and gave me a polished rock that had the word "BELIEVE" engraved on it. He knew my hope was dead. There was something about the way he looked at me that told me he could see into my soul; he knew I was depleted, but he insisted that I believe in him, and believe I could make it back to school.

I don't know what Carl saw in me, I don't know what my aunt Jolene saw in me, & I don't know what the admissions committee at BYU saw in me; but I do know that God places certain people in our lives with a purpose & I am eternally grateful that these people are in tune enough with the Spirit to follow the instructions God gives them. Under Carl's supervision & instruction, I reapplied to BYU, got re-endorsed by my bishop and stake president, and yesterday at 8:00 pm opened an email with shaking fingers which read, much to my relief, that I had been re-accepted. My patriarchal blessing says to work hard in school, & to realize that trials can be opportunities for growth; let's just say, this past year, I've had quite the growth spurt.

There aren't a lot of things I am sure of, but I know for a fact that the best is yet to come.

Him

This year has been pretty epic for me so far.
Fall of last year was pretty life changing for me and as always, retrospect is 20/20.
I met a boy in a whirlwind, spontaneous way & quickly became very close to him. I've always been someone who has been generally opposed to people marrying at 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 because to be honest, it's just so young. However, I remember the night we first spent time together, as he sat across the table from me, it hit me; the thought, "I finally understand why people marry young." We couldn't finish a conversation because we were interrupting each other with, "NO WAY"'s and "ME TOO"'s. It was unreal to meet someone I had so much in common with & that I could click with so instantaneously.

He opened up to me about really severe personal things, and I did as well. I felt like I could talk to him and I began to notice that whenever something went wrong in my life, he was the first person I wanted to talk to. After one particularly upsetting day, we talked on the phone for hours and he told me he felt prompted to tell me, "You're worthy of love. You deserve all the best."
I'd known this kid for like, 8 hours at this point. Needless to say, my heart melted. From the beginning, I was his. We began to spend more and more time together and if we didn't talk everyday, something felt off. Eventually, my naturally jealous personality could hardly stand his friendly demeanor with others & I wanted him to be exclusively mine. It was so obvious he felt the same, right? I mean, there was a chemistry. Right?

So why did he keep telling me about other girls he was dating.
Friends told me that was an old trick guys used to get the girls they like jealous, & I believed them.
I've got to tell him, I decided.

I did it via text; I hate confrontations. Long story short, he "loved spending time with me, but didn't sense anything romantic between us". At first, I was nauseated. I just sat in my shock & nausea wondering how I was ever going to breathe again. A few minutes later, I was relieved: at least now I knew & could stop thinking there was any potential. Later, I was humiliated. I had never been rejected, primarily because I had never gone out on a limb like that, I had never liked someone enough to.

He wanted to remain friends, in that sadistic way that most males do, but my heart was completely depleted. I quickly discovered, after a few failed attempts, that I couldn't be around him. Sharing the same space reminded me that he had refused my offer to be his, I wasn't good enough. He didn't like me. I had been rejected.

I tried to completely cut him off, but he would sporadically text me, as did I, random greetings, or questions about retail discounts (he worked/s in retail). After he texted me "Happy New Years, Jess!" I replied with, "I miss you." He responded he did too. This was great, I thought; maybe we can start our friendship over. A mutual friend told me he'd be playing at a local venue & we should go watch him perform. THIS WAS PERFECT, the second day of the year, I'd surprise him and we would all be friends and happy and wonderful. I showed up & sat with our shared friends; he hadn't arrived. When he finally walked in, my heart skipped a beat. As he approached our table, I smiled as I attempted to reach his gaze...it never happened. He greeted everyone around me as he completely ignored my existence. I sat in stunned silence. A few minutes later, he walked away and I overheard someone say, "Isn't that his girlfriend over there?" My heart, or what remained of it, evaporated.
A friend of ours leaned over and said, "Are you okay?" I played it off completely nonchalant. I had been hurt by him before, although not intentionally (it wasn't his fault he didn't like me), but his obvious dismissal that was apparent to everyone stirred a new emotion in me. I wasn't sad anymore, no, no. I was mad.

The next day I deleted his number and realized, 'You know what? I am awesome. I'm funny, I'm cool, people love me. If he doesn't want to be around me, there's plenty of other people who do.'

It's amazing what a paradigm shift can do for a girl. I used to want to be with him so bad, and now I don't want to be anyone's anything. Why bother? Have you seen how many good looking men there are in Provo, Utah? Why would I limit myself? I've been asked out more in the past month that I had been in the last 6 months of 2012.

I don't think about him hardly ever, and when I do; it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Last night I allowed myself to think about him for a while longer and I realized why the idea of love is no longer appealing to me; I loved him. He was 100% 'it' for me. I used to call him Checklist, in my mind because he was literally everything I'd ever wanted in someone. I was so sure. But, I was wrong. How could someone I was so invested in & willing to place all my bets on, let me down? I felt so right about it at the time, and now a mere 4 months later, I see him and wonder, "What the hell did I see in him?" Where's the guarantee that won't happen with the next person I'm "sure about". This is what causes divorce, right? It's just been elongated, then one day you wake up and think, "Hell. What did I get myself into?"

No thank-you, sir. I'd rather not.