It's a Thursday night in a silent office and I feel my heart swelling with reverent awe for the greatness and magnitude of our God.
2 months ago I found myself on my knees pleading with the Lord to soften the hearts of those around me. I had found myself in a familiar place; a confused crossroads where I felt I was doing what the Lord wanted, but was receiving strong opposition. As I continued to fight towards the goal the Lord had presented for me, I could feel my soul weakening. Each night I would find myself more and more emotionally exhausted as I reflected on the seemingly endless trials that I had dealt with that day. Will can attest to the desperation and hopelessness I seemed to reach on a regular basis. More than once I said out loud to him and God that I was done and couldn't go on. Will's patience, as well as the Lord's silent support through small miracles, propelled me forward.
As Will and I tackled our latest challenge, finding housing, it grew more and more difficult and appeared to be out of our power to overcome, I remember in the pit of despair mumbling, "The Lord will take care of it."
A part of me said this because I had been raised to believe this. It was a mantra my father had instilled in me since childhood, that nothing happened without the Lord being behind it and aware of it. But only a small part of my heart truly trusted what I said.
I felt powerless as every attempt we made to help ourselves to reach a righteous desire was turned away. The process of rejection, which exhausted me constantly, stretched over weeks and with an exception of some pockets of light (like Will and I meeting my first nephew), it seemed to be a dreary, dark duration of time.
Similarly, I felt sad that my father's disapproval of matrimony had created a distance between us.
I compare the described feelings and situations above to the events of the past 72 hours which included, but were not limited to, my father helping me pick out engagement photos at the printer, my parents meeting my sister-in-law and nephew Jory, and Will paying a deposit on our "miracle place".
I have witnessed, with my own frail human eyes, the Lord changing people's hearts.
I have seen the Lord's hand in my life and felt him whisper to me that He'll take care of me.
As odd as it sounds, I have truly sensed the God who created the universe recognize some petty errand I needed to do and assure me that He would manage it for me.
I question eternity and the heavens and angels constantly.
I am confused and afraid and worried about everything.
I do not have a stout faith that never wavers.
I doubt, and am flawed, and sin everyday.
& yet The Lord has lovingly allowed me to receive blessings, this week and always, that I will never be worthy of.
I am so humbled and thankful for the undeserved love and patience our God has given me.
God is good, all the time.
Psalms 136:1
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Faith
This past Sunday, as with every Sunday, I battled internally with myself while deciding if I should attend the second hour of church. I have always felt that the most crucial part of church is sacrament, but this past Sunday I was having a hard time convincing myself not to attend the second hour. I finally gave up the fight and went to Gospel Doctrine with Will and my dad. While we were there the topic of losing children came up with the question, 'how can you have faith when you don't get the answer you wanted?' I felt completely inadequate to provide any input as I, myself, have never lost a child. But as the conversation continued, I felt the Spirit bear testimony to me of a very important truth, and as he did, a phrase as clear as day entered my mind, "We have to endure to the end, not 'pray for what we want and get the answers we want' to the end."
Having faith, real faith, is not saying, "I know I will get what I want when I pray to the Father." Having faith, real faith is saying, "In spite of what happens in the end, I will turn to the Lord first, and trust in Him." Trusting in someone who gives us everything we want is not trusting at all; that's a conditional agreement. We do not put conditions on our Heavenly Father. He allows us the opportunity to exercise our free agency in order to receive blessings if we choose wisely. We do not get to say, "I went to church and paid my tithing, remove these trials."
My dad made a comment that impressed me so much, I tried to commit it to memory, he said, "The problem is we love the Lord conditionally, when he loves us unconditionally." We love the Lord when life is going great, but we're so quick to murmur and curse Him when we feel he hasn't blessed us the way we think we deserve.. He, on the other hand, deals with our garbage attitudes every single day. He gives us clear guidelines for how to live our lives and we disobey them constantly.
I went to the temple this morning before work, and as I sat afterwards reflecting how I felt, I realized a pattern. Whenever I try to go to the temple I have the hardest time waking up. Even if I get 7 hours of sleep the night before, I feel like it's impossible to get out of bed. There's also always something else I have to do that seems more important on those days. I'm almost always grumbling the entire time from the parking lot to the doors, but each and every time, without fail, I feel a peace and happiness once I arrive. I also have never, ever, not once regretted going to the temple. I think this pattern is reflective of how we should trust in the Lord, in faith. Things will be difficult. There will seem like there are more important things to do. But when we trust in the Lord, He will come through, every time. And we will never regret putting our trust in that Perfect Being.
I am not perfect in my faith, the Lord knows that. But I'm grateful for the small glimpses of knowledge he lends me to remind me of where I need to be.
Having faith, real faith, is not saying, "I know I will get what I want when I pray to the Father." Having faith, real faith is saying, "In spite of what happens in the end, I will turn to the Lord first, and trust in Him." Trusting in someone who gives us everything we want is not trusting at all; that's a conditional agreement. We do not put conditions on our Heavenly Father. He allows us the opportunity to exercise our free agency in order to receive blessings if we choose wisely. We do not get to say, "I went to church and paid my tithing, remove these trials."
My dad made a comment that impressed me so much, I tried to commit it to memory, he said, "The problem is we love the Lord conditionally, when he loves us unconditionally." We love the Lord when life is going great, but we're so quick to murmur and curse Him when we feel he hasn't blessed us the way we think we deserve.. He, on the other hand, deals with our garbage attitudes every single day. He gives us clear guidelines for how to live our lives and we disobey them constantly.
Imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it.
("Lord, I Believe"-Jeffrey R. Holland)
And despite my constant sinning, I have yet to be struck down by lightning. He could, I definitely deserve it, but He doesn't. I went to the temple this morning before work, and as I sat afterwards reflecting how I felt, I realized a pattern. Whenever I try to go to the temple I have the hardest time waking up. Even if I get 7 hours of sleep the night before, I feel like it's impossible to get out of bed. There's also always something else I have to do that seems more important on those days. I'm almost always grumbling the entire time from the parking lot to the doors, but each and every time, without fail, I feel a peace and happiness once I arrive. I also have never, ever, not once regretted going to the temple. I think this pattern is reflective of how we should trust in the Lord, in faith. Things will be difficult. There will seem like there are more important things to do. But when we trust in the Lord, He will come through, every time. And we will never regret putting our trust in that Perfect Being.
I am not perfect in my faith, the Lord knows that. But I'm grateful for the small glimpses of knowledge he lends me to remind me of where I need to be.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
The Demise of Families
I have always prided myself on my inability to cry.
Many times I've found myself in an audience of people staring at a movie screen, when a sudden sniffle reveals that almost everyone around me is weeping and I start to rack my brain to figure out which sad part I missed.
I used to think this ineptitude of lamenting meant I was insensitive, but I've recently learned that it's not that nothing makes me cry, it's that only certain things matter enough to me to evoke that emotion.
This week I began my 11th "first day of school", and as I sat through each of my classes, I felt a growing anticipation for the semester that lay ahead. As my last class started, Family Sociology, we began going around the class and finding out more about each other. The professor asked us to tell the class our name, our place in our family, and the status of our family, for the sake of the content we'll be studying. Each person stood and shared a little information about themselves, but as I sat in my anxiety, dreading my turn, I realized the pattern of what was being said. More and more of my colleagues were stating "my parents are divorced" than "my parents are married". My turn was rapidly approaching and as I looked at my professor with pleading, tear-welled eyes I said, "can I just sit?" He had taught me in a previous class last year, and he knew me, so he said it was fine, and we continued the exercise. It became ironic, after a few minutes, if your parents were married.
Ironic.
As in, funny. I distinctly remember one girl saying her name, where she was from, and then joking, "and my parents are actually married", which produced an eruption of laughter. I sat in my chair and cried through the rest of the class. The fact that a successful marriage is a joke, is heartbreaking to me. The leniency and blind acceptance of broken families is troubling to me. I understand the need for divorce if someone finds themselves in a situation that is full of abuse, and I'm not so ignorant as to believe that there isn't a time and place for it, but surely not all the time? Certainly not more than not?
I am distraught at the reality we find our world in, and it hurts me to think that the adversary is winning. Too often, the family is pushed aside for work, friends, vices, pleasures, and every other distraction. L. Tom Perry spoke on the importance of the family in April 2003,
"In a world of turmoil and uncertainty, it is more important than ever to make our families the center of our lives and the top of our priorities. "
I don't want to give the wrong impression: I have been blessed with a wonderful family and I feel infinitely grateful and humbled to be a part of it. But I would be lying if I said that I don't consider myself less adequate for marriage and relationships than my peers who come from parents who are still married. I am constantly wondering what I could possibly bring to the table in a relation when my own family is broken. I feel like any suggestions or ideas I have would be brushed aside because, how would I know? The familiar nightmarish scenario that I think of regularly is one of me at my boyfriend's house meeting his parents for the first time. I see things going well initially, but then his mom turning to me and saying, "Tell us about your family, dear."
I see myself awkwardly stuttering that my parents are divorced and her saying something to the effect of, "Oh, I'm so sorry", and later saying to her husband I wouldn't be any good for their son, I mean, I come from a broken home.
I wouldn't blame her.
The purpose of this entry is to raise an awareness to a growing epidemic. The family is deteriorating and it's happening quickly. We need to take a proactive approach to stop this and consider very seriously the type of future we want for ourselves and those we love. If you're married, and things seem hard, eliminate divorce from your vocabulary. Do not give in to the seemingly simple solution. Work hard. Remember why you chose each other. Pray together. Tell your spouse you love them, often and sincerely. If you're considering marriage, please understand the seriousness of this commitment. The decision you make will influence generations to come. Pray about it. Converse with the Lord about it. Be sure, and then commit yourself irrevocably to the success of your union.
The family is sacred, and the casual depreciation of it is cause for sorrow.
Many times I've found myself in an audience of people staring at a movie screen, when a sudden sniffle reveals that almost everyone around me is weeping and I start to rack my brain to figure out which sad part I missed.
I used to think this ineptitude of lamenting meant I was insensitive, but I've recently learned that it's not that nothing makes me cry, it's that only certain things matter enough to me to evoke that emotion.
This week I began my 11th "first day of school", and as I sat through each of my classes, I felt a growing anticipation for the semester that lay ahead. As my last class started, Family Sociology, we began going around the class and finding out more about each other. The professor asked us to tell the class our name, our place in our family, and the status of our family, for the sake of the content we'll be studying. Each person stood and shared a little information about themselves, but as I sat in my anxiety, dreading my turn, I realized the pattern of what was being said. More and more of my colleagues were stating "my parents are divorced" than "my parents are married". My turn was rapidly approaching and as I looked at my professor with pleading, tear-welled eyes I said, "can I just sit?" He had taught me in a previous class last year, and he knew me, so he said it was fine, and we continued the exercise. It became ironic, after a few minutes, if your parents were married.
Ironic.
As in, funny. I distinctly remember one girl saying her name, where she was from, and then joking, "and my parents are actually married", which produced an eruption of laughter. I sat in my chair and cried through the rest of the class. The fact that a successful marriage is a joke, is heartbreaking to me. The leniency and blind acceptance of broken families is troubling to me. I understand the need for divorce if someone finds themselves in a situation that is full of abuse, and I'm not so ignorant as to believe that there isn't a time and place for it, but surely not all the time? Certainly not more than not?
I am distraught at the reality we find our world in, and it hurts me to think that the adversary is winning. Too often, the family is pushed aside for work, friends, vices, pleasures, and every other distraction. L. Tom Perry spoke on the importance of the family in April 2003,
"In a world of turmoil and uncertainty, it is more important than ever to make our families the center of our lives and the top of our priorities. "
I don't want to give the wrong impression: I have been blessed with a wonderful family and I feel infinitely grateful and humbled to be a part of it. But I would be lying if I said that I don't consider myself less adequate for marriage and relationships than my peers who come from parents who are still married. I am constantly wondering what I could possibly bring to the table in a relation when my own family is broken. I feel like any suggestions or ideas I have would be brushed aside because, how would I know? The familiar nightmarish scenario that I think of regularly is one of me at my boyfriend's house meeting his parents for the first time. I see things going well initially, but then his mom turning to me and saying, "Tell us about your family, dear."
I see myself awkwardly stuttering that my parents are divorced and her saying something to the effect of, "Oh, I'm so sorry", and later saying to her husband I wouldn't be any good for their son, I mean, I come from a broken home.
I wouldn't blame her.
The purpose of this entry is to raise an awareness to a growing epidemic. The family is deteriorating and it's happening quickly. We need to take a proactive approach to stop this and consider very seriously the type of future we want for ourselves and those we love. If you're married, and things seem hard, eliminate divorce from your vocabulary. Do not give in to the seemingly simple solution. Work hard. Remember why you chose each other. Pray together. Tell your spouse you love them, often and sincerely. If you're considering marriage, please understand the seriousness of this commitment. The decision you make will influence generations to come. Pray about it. Converse with the Lord about it. Be sure, and then commit yourself irrevocably to the success of your union.
The family is sacred, and the casual depreciation of it is cause for sorrow.
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