When I was younger my dad would come home from work long after I'd gone to bed. I would hazily hear the garage door opening and then closing and him walking in. My eyes would flutter open when I heard the unmistakable crinkle of paper alerting me that my dad had some fast food glory to share with me.
I would tip-toe down the stairs, always surprising myself at how silent I was, and as I turned the corner, he'd be there in the kitchen about to enjoy his meal. He never scolded me for crawling out of bed; I was always greeted with a smile. He'd share his food, always letting me have the last bite and I'd thank him with a kiss and head back to bed content in my stomach and heart.
It's nights like tonight, as I close the garage door behind me and unwrap my burger; when I hear the crinkle of paper, that make me miss my dad the most. I wish he was home, where he belongs. I wish we could talk about everything and nothing. I wish I could tell him about boys I liked and watch him roll his eyes and tell me they're all losers. I wish we could watch worthless TV till 3 in the morning like we used to. I hate that he's not here. I hate that thinking about him can make me cry. I hate that I couldn't change the situation. I hate that I hate my mother for making him leave. But worst of all, I hate that I miss someone who isn't gone.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Character Flaw #1
Oh my goodness. I have this character flaw; it's pretty huge and affects my life almost erryday. I absolutely cannot stand it when girls cry. This is such a terrible thing, I need to work on it and rectify it immediately. It's gotten worse as of late because I've began watching some really great quality television programs including but not limited to: Maury, Jerry Springer and BREAKING AMISH.
Listen, those amish girls cry A L L T H E T I M E. Here's the thing though, that's okay! They should cry! They can do whatever the cuss they want! But I've noticed that when they do, my body slowly begins to pull away from the screen and my face slowly begins to distort into a mask of disgust. Even as I'm writing this down I realize how wrong it is. I mean, I cry too from time to time (when I'm listening to One Direction), so who am I to judge someone else?
This has got to stop.
Listen, those amish girls cry A L L T H E T I M E. Here's the thing though, that's okay! They should cry! They can do whatever the cuss they want! But I've noticed that when they do, my body slowly begins to pull away from the screen and my face slowly begins to distort into a mask of disgust. Even as I'm writing this down I realize how wrong it is. I mean, I cry too from time to time (when I'm listening to One Direction), so who am I to judge someone else?
This has got to stop.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
9 Months
I haven't written on here since I got pregnant; I AM KIDDING. But it has been 9 months, so hypothetically speaking, I could have conceived, carried, labored, and delivered a baby in the time of my absence.
Wow, what to say. Hmm. I met someone, fell in love, it wasn't reciprocated; ceased all communication, and now he is dating my brother's ex-girlfriend.
YAY PROVO UTAH'S INFINITELY SMALL YET VAST DATING POOL.
I got kicked out of school because my grades weren't up to par, my parents got divorced, I moved in with my dad; became best friends with him, was forced to move out after 8 glorious months, my great-grandma who I was unusually close to died; I started going to the temple almost weekly, I began attending institute, I quit my job with my dad & didn't come back after 2 weeks like I usually do, I started working with a lady in my ward; I started hiking and spending time in nature, & I read some life-changing books.
In retrospect, I had some really high highs, and some really low lows. I think I've cried more in these past few months than I have in a really long time. I considered and seriously almost did, leave a couple times. The idea of starting over somewhere where no one knows me is so attractive sometimes. But, I didn't leave and I am glad. The reality is I've developed a pattern of running away when things don't go the way I'd like them to.
Now, I don't want to sound hypersensitive or weak, "the way I'd like" doesn't mean what I'm sure whoever is reading this is thinking. I've experienced some terrible things. I've seen and heard things I pray to God no one I love ever has to. My childhood ended when I was about 10, and my self-esteem started about a year ago. I've had every role from mother to peace maker to psychiatrist to therapist thrust upon me. I didn't ask for them, they were forcibly given to me. But as I get older and learn more life principles from some incredible people, I realize this has to stop. I need to grow accustomed to dealing with things and not leaving at the first sign of a storm.
I'm really happy right now, and I hope I can keep this feeling for a long time.
Wow, what to say. Hmm. I met someone, fell in love, it wasn't reciprocated; ceased all communication, and now he is dating my brother's ex-girlfriend.
YAY PROVO UTAH'S INFINITELY SMALL YET VAST DATING POOL.
I got kicked out of school because my grades weren't up to par, my parents got divorced, I moved in with my dad; became best friends with him, was forced to move out after 8 glorious months, my great-grandma who I was unusually close to died; I started going to the temple almost weekly, I began attending institute, I quit my job with my dad & didn't come back after 2 weeks like I usually do, I started working with a lady in my ward; I started hiking and spending time in nature, & I read some life-changing books.
In retrospect, I had some really high highs, and some really low lows. I think I've cried more in these past few months than I have in a really long time. I considered and seriously almost did, leave a couple times. The idea of starting over somewhere where no one knows me is so attractive sometimes. But, I didn't leave and I am glad. The reality is I've developed a pattern of running away when things don't go the way I'd like them to.
Now, I don't want to sound hypersensitive or weak, "the way I'd like" doesn't mean what I'm sure whoever is reading this is thinking. I've experienced some terrible things. I've seen and heard things I pray to God no one I love ever has to. My childhood ended when I was about 10, and my self-esteem started about a year ago. I've had every role from mother to peace maker to psychiatrist to therapist thrust upon me. I didn't ask for them, they were forcibly given to me. But as I get older and learn more life principles from some incredible people, I realize this has to stop. I need to grow accustomed to dealing with things and not leaving at the first sign of a storm.
I'm really happy right now, and I hope I can keep this feeling for a long time.
Mi May
Upper Falls, Provo Canyon
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