Psalms 136:1

It's a Thursday night in a silent office and I feel my heart swelling with reverent awe for the greatness and magnitude of our God.

2 months ago I found myself on my knees pleading with the Lord to soften the hearts of those around me. I had found myself in a familiar place; a confused crossroads where I felt I was doing what the Lord wanted, but was receiving strong opposition. As I continued to fight towards the goal the Lord had presented for me, I could feel my soul weakening. Each night I would find myself more and more emotionally exhausted as I reflected on the seemingly endless trials that I had dealt with that day. Will can attest to the desperation and hopelessness I seemed to reach on a regular basis. More than once I said out loud to him and God that I was done and couldn't go on. Will's patience, as well as the Lord's silent support through small miracles, propelled me forward.

As Will and I tackled our latest challenge, finding housing, it grew more and more difficult and appeared to be out of our power to overcome,  I remember in the pit of despair mumbling, "The Lord will take care of it."
A part of me said this because I had been raised to believe this. It was a mantra my father had instilled in me since childhood, that nothing happened without the Lord being behind it and aware of it. But only a small part of my heart truly trusted what I said.

I felt powerless as every attempt we made to help ourselves to reach a righteous desire was turned away. The process of rejection, which exhausted me constantly, stretched over weeks and with an exception of some pockets of light (like Will and I meeting my first nephew), it seemed to be a dreary, dark duration of time.

Similarly, I felt sad that my father's disapproval of matrimony had created a distance between us.

I compare the described feelings and situations above to the events of the past 72 hours which included, but were not limited to, my father helping me pick out engagement photos at the printer, my parents meeting my sister-in-law and nephew Jory, and Will paying a deposit on our "miracle place".

I have witnessed, with my own frail human eyes, the Lord changing people's hearts.
I have seen the Lord's hand in my life and felt him whisper to me that He'll take care of me.
As odd as it sounds, I have truly sensed the God who created the universe recognize some petty errand I needed to do and assure me that He would manage it for me.

I question eternity and the heavens and angels constantly.
I am confused and afraid and worried about everything.
I do not have a stout faith that never wavers.
I doubt, and am flawed, and sin everyday.

& yet The Lord has lovingly allowed me to receive blessings, this week and always, that I will never be worthy of.

I am so humbled and thankful for the undeserved love and patience our God has given me.
God is good, all the time.

Psalms 136:1